A parable by Rev. Jim Huber
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first.
John: Hi!
I’m John, and this is Mary.
Mary: Hi! We’re here to invite
you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
Me: Pardon me?! What are you talking about?
Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?
John: If
you kiss Hank’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he’ll
kick the shit out of you.
Me: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob
shake-down?
John: Hank
is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank
built this town. Hank owns this
town. He can do whatever he wants, and
what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his
ass.
Me: That doesn’t make any sense. Why...
Mary: Who are you to question
Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on
the ass?
Me: Well maybe, if it’s legit, but...
John: Then
come kiss Hank’s ass with us!
Me: Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?
Mary: Oh yes, all the time...
Me: And has he given you a million dollars?
John: Well…
no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.
Me: So why don’t you just leave town now?
Mary: You can’t leave until
Hank tells you to, or you don’t get the money, and he kicks the shit out of
you.
Me: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass,
left town, and got the million dollars?
John: My
mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She
left town last year, and I’m sure she
got the money.
Me: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
John: Of
course not! Hank doesn’t allow it.
Me: So what makes you think he’ll actually
give you the money if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?
Mary: Well, he gives you a
little bit before you leave. Maybe
you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lotto, maybe you’ll just find a
twenty dollar bill on the street.
Me: What’s that got to do with Hank?
John: Hank
has certain ‘connections.’
Me: I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort
of bizarre con game.
John: But
it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you
don’t kiss Hank’s ass he’ll kick the shit of you.
Me: Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him,
get the details straight from him...
Mary: No one sees Hank, no one
talks to Hank.
Me: Then how do you kiss his ass?
John: Sometimes
we just blow Him a kiss, and think of his ass.
Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.
Me: Who’s Karl?
Mary: A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take
him out to dinner a few times.
Me: And you just took his word for it when he
said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank
would reward you?
John: Oh
no! Do you think we're fools? Karl has a letter
he got from Hank years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for
yourself.
From The Desk of…Karl
*****
1. Kiss
Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Drink
alcohol only in moderation.
3. Kick
the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat
right.
5. Hank
dictated this list himself.
6. The
moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything
Hank says is right.
8. Wash
your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't
drink alcohol.
10.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.
Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of
you.
Me: This appears to be written on Karl’s
letterhead, not Hank's.
Mary: Hank didn’t have any
paper.
Me: I have a hunch that if we checked we’d
find this is Karl’s handwriting too.
John: Of
course! Hank dictated it.
Me: I thought you said no one gets to see
Hank?
Mary: Not now, but years ago
he would talk to some people.
Me: I thought you said he was a
philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re different?
Mary: It’s what Hank wants,
and Hank’s always right.
Me: How do you figure that?
Mary: Item 7 says ‘Everything
Hank says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!
Me: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole
thing up.
John: No
way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use
alcohol in moderation,’ Item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your
hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so
the rest must be true, too.
Me: But 9 says ‘Don’t use alcohol.’ which
doesn’t quite go with item 2, and 6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’
which is just plain wrong.
John: There’s
no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say
for sure.
Me: Scientists have pretty firmly established
that the moon is made of rock...
Mary: But they don’t know if
the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily
be green cheese.
Me: Not knowing where the rock came from
doesn’t make it cheese. And I’m not an expert, but I think the scientific
theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted.
John: Aha!
You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always
right!
Me: We do?
Mary: Of course we do, Item 5
says so.
Me: You’re saying Hank's always right because
in the list that Hank dictated Hank says Hank is always right. That's circular
reasoning!
John: Now
you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way
of thinking.
Me: But...oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?
(Mary blushes)
John: Wieners
go in buns, with no condiments. It’s
Hank’s way. Anything else is immoral.
Me: What if I don’t have a bun?
John: No
bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun
is wrong.
Me: No relish? No Mustard?
(Mary looks
positively stricken.)
John: (shouting) There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
Me: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some
wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?
Mary: (Sticking
her fingers in her ears.) I
am not listening to this. La la
la la la la la
la.
John: That’s
disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat…
Me: It’s good! I eat it all the time.
(Mary faints.)
John: (Catching
Mary.) Well, if I’d known you were one of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my
money and laughing. I’ll kiss Hank’s
ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.
(With this,
John drags Mary to their waiting car, and speeds off.)
Presented as a public
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Set Free!
*****
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**************
Kissing Hank’s Ass: A parable by Rev. Jim Huber
Copyright © 1997 Jim Huber.
Email Jim at: james@jhuger.com
All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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