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Jokes
Gathered from hither and thither...
Contents:
GOD_WAS_BUSY
The Ten Commandments Monument
Dinner at the Monastery
Redneck in Bar With Three Beers
Three Religious Truths
How Many Christians Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb
Misc Shorties
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
An Easter Joke
Women's Training Courses
DEATH
A_Jewish_Christmas
Jesus Is Watching You (video, offsite)
GOD WAS BUSY
(from the
Saint George Greek Orthodox parish newsletter)
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked
several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no
God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell
silent. You could have heard a pin fall.
Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still
waiting." His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine -
just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to
the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his
lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked
and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat
silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to,
shaken he looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor
regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why
did you do that?" "God was busy. He sent me."
-----------------------------------------
This is Nathan Merritt. I just read the bizarre story (see above)
about an atheist college professor who challenged God to prove His existence
by knocking the professor off his platform. A marine walked up to him,
punched him out, and when he regained cosnciousness the marine told him "God
was busy so he sent me instead."
I am seldom shocked or offended by the contents of a parish news
letter, but this story succeeded. I was shocked, offended, angered, and
mystified. Is this how we demonstrate to others the love of God? Shall we
nonchalantly assault and batter atheists and agnostics, and tell them we did
it as messengers of God? Can you honestly imagine Jesus telling his
followers "If you see someone challenge God to prove his existence, walk up
to them and punch them out and tell them the punch is from God."
There is so much violence in the world in the name of "God." Do we
really need stories in parish newsletters about ignorant uncouth marines
punching out people for "the glory of Jesus"? The history of the Orthodox
Church, the Catholic church, all the various churches are overlowing with
violence done in the name of God. Even the Bible, in the OT, is bursting
with sick stories of people maiming and killing others (even babies and
infants, and even Israelites cutting unborn children out of their mothers
wombs!) in "the name of God."
Well, as the world is going, this approach seems to be on its way to
working. All will believe in God soon. We will all be bloated radioactive
corpses, but by golly we will all have believed in God! :(
Sincerely,
Nathan Merritt
The Ten
Commandments Monument
The
Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court
building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of
lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
Dinner at the Monastery
Stephanie was running late for her dinner invitation
at the monastery. She arrived just in time for dinner,
which turned out to be the best fish and chips she's
ever had. After dinner, she went into the kitchen and
said to the kitchen staff "Excuse me, but who cooked
that meal?"
Two of the brothers stepped forward and responded, "Hello,
I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"Pleased to meet you both. I just wanted to thank
you for a wonderful dinner." Said Stephanie.
Both brothers smiled and murmured, "Thank you, our
pleasure."
"Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" she asked.
Brother Charles said, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
Stephanie winced, turned pale, and said to the other
brother, "Oh, no. Then you must be..."
"Yes, I'm the chip monk.
Redneck in Bar
With Three Beers
> > A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser
and
> > sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
> > When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
> > The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
flat after you
> > draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The
redneck
> > replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the
> > other is in Ireland, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we
> > promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
> > together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for
myself."
> > The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
> > The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
> > way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in
> > and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
> > When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says,
> > "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
> > condolences on your loss."
> > The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and
he
> > laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my
> > wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
> > Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Three Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
How
Many Christians Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will come on and go off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the bulb and three committees to
approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks
and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how
to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light! bulb. However, if in your own journey you have
found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a
poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incadescent, flourescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip
bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your
choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Misc Shorties
What was the last thing to go thru President Kennedy's head before he
died? A bullet.
Why Did The
Chicken Cross The Road ???
(From off the internet...)
Just why did the Chick cross the road? Here are various takes on that old
question...
>
>GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We
>just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
>chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle road here.
>
>
>GENERAL TOMMY FRANKS: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see
the
>satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. Next slide...and....there.
>No more chicken.
>
>HANZ BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have
not yet
>been allowed access to the other side of the road.
>
>JACQUES CHIRAC: We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance
of the
>chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road! By the way if the
>chicken comes near us we surrender!
>
>MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador): The chicken did not cross the
road. This
>is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken !
>
>SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite
>justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>
>AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
>chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different
>functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
>services to the American people.
>
>RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had been
>polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
>unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by
>the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
>
>PAT BUCHANAN: Why? To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American,
>that's why!
>
>RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet
>it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone
>out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
>crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can
>real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
>dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
>government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
>
>MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I
>had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
>dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
>
>DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes!
>The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
>
>MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free
>to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>
>BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
>listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story
>of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish
>its life-long dream of crossing the road.
>
>BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2003, which will not only
cross
>roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
>checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
>
>BILL CLINTON: I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken.
An Easter Joke
Three blondes died
and are up at the pearly gates talking to St.Peter. He says, "I have one
question and if you get it I will let you into heaven." He asks the first
blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family
gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is
Easter?"
She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together
and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."
Again St.Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is
Easter?"
She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and
rolled a rock in front of it."
St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."
The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he
comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!
Women's Training Courses
And for those of us who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's
her turn now:
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and
cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn...... and into the hole he
gooooes."
A Jewish Christmas
The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. > > "Tell me Patrick,
what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. > > Patrick addressed the class,
"Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass
and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the
back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for
Father Christmas to come with all our toys." > > "Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" > > "Well, me and my sister also
go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly
sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." > > Realizing there was a
Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she
asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" > > Isaac said, "Well,
it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into
the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look
at all the empty shelves and begin to > sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.'
Then we all go to the Bahamas."
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