(a)Learn
to respond to everything said with the word 'Amen'. Learn to elongate this,
i.e., Ameeeeeen or Arrrrrmen. So if someone says 'The pastor's sermon was very
spiritual wasn't it?', or 'The church congregation is becoming larger', you
reply 'Aaaameeeen!', or 'Amennnnnnnn!'. The longer the better.
If you want to really appear as a truly spiritual
fundy, just respond to absolutely everything said with an 'Amen', e.g., even
if you are told 'My mother has just been violently murdered', you simply reply
'Ammmmmen!'. It doesn't matter in what context it is said, because virtually
everything said by a fundy is meaningless anyway.
You should also learn to say this throughout the
religious service, particularly at the end of each sentence uttered by the
pastor. Some people may find it mildly annoying but that is because they are
just unspiritual.
After some practice (six weeks is recommended), you
can start using other words/phrases, e.g., 'Hallelujah' or 'Lordy, Lordy' or
'Sweet Jesus'. These allow a considerable amount of flexibility. For example
'Sweet Jeeeeeezuuuuusssss!' or 'Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujah'.
If you want to make youself look like a
'super-spiritual fundy', then wait for the quietest time during the whole
service and then suddenly shriek at the top of your voice 'O yes, Lordy Lordy,
How great is your name!' O Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Yes! Yes! Yes!'; then continue
to repeat 'O yes Lord! Jezuuuuusss!' over and over again but continually make
this quieter until it is barely audible.
This makes it appear as if you've just been
overpowered by the Spirit (who caused the loud shriek) and has now departed
having made his presence known to the congregation through you personally
because you are so spiritual; the barely-audible mumbling is the after-effect
of God personally using you to declare his will to his elect.
Also learn how to contort your face: when a
preacher says 'The Spirit is here! He is moving amongst you', make yourself
look as if you are suffering from severe chronic constipation. Screw up your
face and twist your mouth up into your nose. If you really want to look as
something is happening to you, bury your face in your hands and while covered
from view, slap some black mascara on your eyes so you look as if your eyes
are disappearing into your skull (this is caused by the Spirit's pressure).
Learn to move your arms about while prayer or singing;
pretend you are 'treading water' in a swimming pool except that the leg
movements are not required. However if you want to include the leg movements
as well, then go ahead as this will make you look even stranger and therefore
more 'spiritual' to your fellow-fundies.
Learn certain parts of the Bible by heart; you will
discover that many Christians who have Bibles the size of a large wall safe
are actually very ignorant of the contents. Remember to ignore the many bits
that do not fit in with fundamentalism and just concentrate on writings such
as John or Romans. Under no circumstances, ever, read James with its emphasis
on 'works'.
When you open your Bible during the pastor's rambling
sermon, make sure everyone around you sees masses of coloured pen notations
and underlining on the open pages of your Bible. You will then be deemed an
eminent Bible scholar able to discuss anything related to the faith, no matter
how little you actually know. Practice denouncing world-famous atheist
philosophers/theologians; while they may have had decades of academic learning
and you are barely able to read a comic, this should not deter you from
arguing against them because after all, they are all demon-led hellfire-bound
SOBs.
Make sure you only ever read fundy books, i.e., the
ones that insist that the Gospel of John was actually written by the apostle
John, and that form criticism, source criticism and redaction criticism are
all the devil's work in the last days. Go for those books that believe the
world was created in 4004 BC; read up a few cheap fundy booklets on the
subject and then speak on the subject as if you are a renowned scholar who has
researched the subject all your life.
Remember: only buy books written by fundies with
degrees or doctorates given by fundy Bible Colleges. Quote fundy writers as if
they are academics respected by thinkers of all differing opinions even though
outside fundamentalism no one has even heard of them.
When your ignorance of the subject or theological
error is revealed by an atheist or your argument is demolished by an
unbeliever because you didn't both to scrutinize what you were claiming to
know so much about, never - ever - admit that you are wrong. Just walk away
and start arguing with someone else even though you have just been shown to be
in error. Being wrong does not matter at all.
Learn to make fantastic sweeping statements even
though there is no evidence whatsoever and/or they are clearly incorrect,
e.g., 'there is irrefutable historical evidence for Jesus' existence', or 'all
renowned scientists agree that Genesis 1 is absolutely accurate', or 'the
Bible is consistent throughout'. Your fundy colleagues will of course be
impressed as fundies always accept anything said by other fundies at face
value without any verification whatsoever.
When non-fundies challenge you and ask for the source
of these assertions, just ignore them. Anyone who disagrees with you is going
to burn in hellfire for ever anyway so you need not be bothered when they show
you that your faith is complete and utter nonsense.
Learn the fundy language. Certain words and phrases
are used repeatedly, e.g., 'Lord', 'Spirit', 'Praise the lord', 'Praise him',
'Bless his name', 'Glory', 'Glorify his name', 'witness', 'testimony',
'saved', 'redeemed', etc. Saying the term 'Praise him!' very quickly in one
short breath, and repeatedly, after every sentence spoken by another fundy can
make you look really very spiritual. This appearance will be further enhanced
if while saying this, you always roll your head around as if your neck is
broken, and make your eyes appear as if you have just downed four bottles of
whisky or gin.
Use completely absurd statements such as 'The Lord is
indeed winning lost souls in [state area]'. Learn to call all other male
fundies 'Bro' (for 'Brother') and all female fundies 'Sister' (who are of
course subject to you if you are a male). Remember you need to say 'Ammennnnnnn'
at least one hundred times a day.
Develop the 'fundy' look which is either serious
and deep in thought (because you are directly communing with God), or with a
silly half-smirk on your face (because you are so happy that Jesus died for
you - yes, personally). Most important of all, develop the 'glazed' look in
your eyes, most frequently found in charismatics and wall-climbers.
Even though you believe the world is evil and in
the grip of the devil, and the rapture and the final Judgement are only a few
years away at most, don't let this affect the way you manage your finances and
lifestyle.
Continue to have children, purchase large properties,
long-term stocks and 30-year life insurance policies. As a fundy you need to
learn how to be a complete and total hypocrite.
Always be politically right-wing as leftwing
politicians, liberals, pinkos, etc., are actually the devil's disciples.
Always vote for the most right-wing politician who is standing for election.
Even though the New Testament teaches the worthlessness of the physical world
and material wealth, ignore this and become involved in the world.
Campaign for your local ultra-right wing candidate and
defend your action by pointing out that if Jesus was here then he would vote
for this candidate.
Stress the importance of 'the family life': ignore all
the Biblical references that teach Christians should desert and/or hate their
families, that Jesus was single, Paul taught celibacy, and the redeemed are
said to be virgins. Ignore all of this and simply rewrite the Bible to suit
your way of thinking: this is how it all works!
Be arrogant! Be intolerant! Forget all the Biblical
nonsense about humility - you are one of 'the little flock', one of the few
who has been called; remember, you were handpicked ('elected') by God Almighty
himself - yes, personally - before the world was even created!
Be pompous - be really vain. Moreover, because of this
you are justified in talking about God as if he's personally living in your
front room and constantly talking to you. Make frequent references to 'The
Lord said to me...' and 'In prayer the Lord spake to me saying....'. Make it
seem as if you are the only one that he ever speaks to.
As a sidenote, its much more convincing when relating
what God has said to you if you have the Almighty speaking in 1611 King James
English. Do not say 'God said to me 'I am talking to you in all
genuineness...'', but 'God said: 'I speaketh unto you, yeah verily...''.
Remember: the God of fundamentalism is caught in a time-warp and always speaks
as if he is a demented 17th century Puritan.