(a)Learn to respond to everything said with the word 'Amen'. Learn to
elongate this, i.e., Ameeeeeen or Arrrrrmen. So if someone says 'The
pastor's sermon was very spiritual wasn't it?', or 'The church congregation
is becoming larger', you reply 'Aaaameeeen!', or 'Amennnnnnnn!'. The longer
If you want to really appear as a truly spiritual fundy, just respond to
absolutely everything said with an 'Amen', e.g., even if you are told 'My
mother has just been violently murdered', you simply reply 'Ammmmmen!'. It
doesn't matter in what context it is said, because virtually everything said
by a fundy is meaningless anyway.
You should also learn to say this throughout the religious service,
particularly at the end of each sentence uttered by the pastor. Some people
may find it mildly annoying but that is because they are just unspiritual.
After some practice (six weeks is recommended), you can start using other
words/phrases, e.g., 'Hallelujah' or 'Lordy, Lordy' or 'Sweet Jesus'. These
allow a considerable amount of flexibility. For example 'Sweet
Jeeeeeezuuuuusssss!' or 'Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujah'.
If you want to make youself look like a 'super-spiritual fundy', then wait
for the quietest time during the whole service and then suddenly shriek at the
top of your voice 'O yes, Lordy Lordy, How great is your name!' O Lordy,
Lordy, Lordy, Yes! Yes! Yes!'; then continue to repeat 'O yes Lord!
Jezuuuuusss!' over and over again but continually make this quieter until it
is barely audible.
This makes it appear as if you've just been overpowered by the Spirit (who
caused the loud shriek) and has now departed having made his presence known to
the congregation through you personally because you are so spiritual; the
barely-audible mumbling is the after-effect of God personally using you to
declare his will to his elect.
Also learn how to contort your face: when a preacher says 'The Spirit is
here! He is moving amongst you', make yourself look as if you are suffering
from severe chronic constipation. Screw up your face and twist your mouth up
into your nose. If you really want to look as something is happening to you,
bury your face in your hands and while covered from view, slap some black
mascara on your eyes so you look as if your eyes are disappearing into your
skull (this is caused by the Spirit's pressure).
Learn to move your arms about while prayer or singing; pretend you are
'treading water' in a swimming pool except that the leg movements are not
required. However if you want to include the leg movements as well, then go
ahead as this will make you look even stranger and therefore more 'spiritual'
to your fellow-fundies.
Learn certain parts of the Bible by heart; you will discover that many
Christians who have Bibles the size of a large wall safe are actually very
ignorant of the contents. Remember to ignore the many bits that do not fit in
with fundamentalism and just concentrate on writings such as John or Romans.
Under no circumstances, ever, read James with its emphasis on 'works'.
When you open your Bible during the pastor's rambling sermon, make sure
everyone around you sees masses of coloured pen notations and underlining on
the open pages of your Bible. You will then be deemed an eminent Bible scholar
able to discuss anything related to the faith, no matter how little you
actually know. Practice denouncing world-famous atheist
philosophers/theologians; while they may have had decades of academic learning
and you are barely able to read a comic, this should not deter you from
arguing against them because after all, they are all demon-led hellfire-bound
Make sure you only ever read fundy books, i.e., the ones that insist that
the Gospel of John was actually written by the apostle John, and that form
criticism, source criticism and redaction criticism are all the devil's work
in the last days. Go for those books that believe the world was created in
4004 BC; read up a few cheap fundy booklets on the subject and then speak on
the subject as if you are a renowned scholar who has researched the subject
all your life.
Remember: only buy books written by fundies with degrees or doctorates
given by fundy Bible Colleges. Quote fundy writers as if they are academics
respected by thinkers of all differing opinions even though outside
fundamentalism no one has even heard of them.
When your ignorance of the subject or theological error is revealed by an
atheist or your argument is demolished by an unbeliever because you didn't
both to scrutinize what you were claiming to know so much about, never - ever
- admit that you are wrong. Just walk away and start arguing with someone else
even though you have just been shown to be in error. Being wrong does not
matter at all.
Learn to make fantastic sweeping statements even though there is no
evidence whatsoever and/or they are clearly incorrect, e.g., 'there is
irrefutable historical evidence for Jesus' existence', or 'all renowned
scientists agree that Genesis 1 is absolutely accurate', or 'the Bible is
consistent throughout'. Your fundy colleagues will of course be impressed as
fundies always accept anything said by other fundies at face value without any
When non-fundies challenge you and ask for the source of these assertions,
just ignore them. Anyone who disagrees with you is going to burn in hellfire
for ever anyway so you need not be bothered when they show you that your faith
is complete and utter nonsense.
Learn the fundy language. Certain words and phrases are used repeatedly,
e.g., 'Lord', 'Spirit', 'Praise the lord', 'Praise him', 'Bless his name',
'Glory', 'Glorify his name', 'witness', 'testimony', 'saved', 'redeemed', etc.
Saying the term 'Praise him!' very quickly in one short breath, and
repeatedly, after every sentence spoken by another fundy can make you look
really very spiritual. This appearance will be further enhanced if while
saying this, you always roll your head around as if your neck is broken, and
make your eyes appear as if you have just downed four bottles of whisky or
Use completely absurd statements such as 'The Lord is indeed winning lost
souls in [state area]'. Learn to call all other male fundies 'Bro' (for
'Brother') and all female fundies 'Sister' (who are of course subject to you
if you are a male). Remember you need to say 'Ammennnnnnn' at least one
hundred times a day.
Develop the 'fundy' look which is either serious and deep in thought
(because you are directly communing with God), or with a silly half-smirk on
your face (because you are so happy that Jesus died for you - yes,
personally). Most important of all, develop the 'glazed' look in your eyes,
most frequently found in charismatics and wall-climbers.
Even though you believe the world is evil and in the grip of the devil,
and the rapture and the final Judgement are only a few years away at most,
don't let this affect the way you manage your finances and lifestyle.
Continue to have children, purchase large properties, long-term stocks and
30-year life insurance policies. As a fundy you need to learn how to be a
complete and total hypocrite.
Always be politically right-wing as leftwing politicians, liberals,
pinkos, etc., are actually the devil's disciples. Always vote for the most
right-wing politician who is standing for election. Even though the New
Testament teaches the worthlessness of the physical world and material wealth,
ignore this and become involved in the world.
Campaign for your local ultra-right wing candidate and defend your action
by pointing out that if Jesus was here then he would vote for this candidate.
Stress the importance of 'the family life': ignore all the Biblical
references that teach Christians should desert and/or hate their families,
that Jesus was single, Paul taught celibacy, and the redeemed are said to be
virgins. Ignore all of this and simply rewrite the Bible to suit your way of
thinking: this is how it all works!
Be arrogant! Be intolerant! Forget all the Biblical nonsense about
humility - you are one of 'the little flock', one of the few who has been
called; remember, you were handpicked ('elected') by God Almighty himself -
yes, personally - before the world was even created!
Be pompous - be really vain. Moreover, because of this you are justified
in talking about God as if he's personally living in your front room and
constantly talking to you. Make frequent references to 'The Lord said to
me...' and 'In prayer the Lord spake to me saying....'. Make it seem as if you
are the only one that he ever speaks to.
As a sidenote, its much more convincing when relating what God has said to
you if you have the Almighty speaking in 1611 King James English. Do not say
'God said to me 'I am talking to you in all genuineness...'', but 'God said:
'I speaketh unto you, yeah verily...''. Remember: the God of fundamentalism is
caught in a time-warp and always speaks as if he is a demented 17th century