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J The GJJd News J

 of Atheism

-Mark Smith   2001-

• As Atheism cures tithing, you’ll get an instant 10% raise in take-home pay.

• You’re inoculated against Christian suicide cults like People’s Temple or Heaven’s Gate.

• Those "voices in your head" claiming to be God can now be cured with a pill.

• Hell becomes as phony as the boogie man.

• The celestial “Peeping Tom” who watched as you wiped your ass ceases to exist.

• You realize there are no ghosts or goblins- really!

• There are not, nor ever have been, any “evil spirits” hiding under your bed at night.

• Masturbation now cures more anxiety than causes.

• Premarital sex no longer causes “guilt hangovers” the next morning.

• You can be honest and really hate those you hate- no more pretend Christian “love”.

• You can now sleep in on Sunday mornings.

•  If born gay, you no longer have to lie to yourself.

• Money & hope are not wasted on faith healers.

• Families are no longer divided over petty religious squabbles.

• You no longer have to stay married to people you’ve grown to hate.

• Women don’t have to become “brood mares for Jesus” pumping out those kids.

•  If Catholic, you can now use condoms to prevent infection & death if your spouse has aids.

• Girls can now abort pregnancies caused by drunken fathers or football teams.

•  If Catholic, you can now intelligently plan your family size via birth control.

•  If Mormon, you can now drink tea, coffee, and coke.

•  If Mormon, you can now give & receive oral sex, and trash the goofy magic underwear.

•  If you were a Fundy, you can now drink a toast with friends at weddings.

•  If you were a Fundy, you’re now allowed to dance and see movies.

• If you were a Liberal, you can now be honest about your Atheism.

• When you hit your thumb with a hammer, you can now swear like a sailor.

• As science advances, you don't have to  “circle the wagons” to defend Biblical cosmology.

• If mugged, rather than turn the other cheek, you’re now allowed to fight back.

• You can lust as nature intended you to without apologies or self-induced guilt.

• You can now be rightfully proud of your accomplishments- no more false humility.

• If you were a Fundy woman, you can use makeup & clothing to look stylish & sexy.

• You’ll never miss another NFL game due to long winded preachers.

• If you’re a Catholic priest, you can now have sex with people other than choir boys.

• If you’re a “nun” you can now get “some”.

• And you’re now free to think & question without fear of pissing off some insecure deity. 

 For more on the joys of Atheism, see also http://www.ebonmusings.org/atheism/nihilism.html   (offsite)