Flying Spaghetti Monster

In The Beginning

1 In the beginning the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the waters.

3 And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be light," and there was light....

26 Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So The Flying Spaghetti Monster created man in his own image, in the image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster he created him; angel-hair and macaroni he created them.

28 The Flying Spaghetti Monster blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and satiate it. Satiate the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every living creature that moves on the ground."

29 Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "I give you every spice on the face of the whole earth and every grocery store that has Spaghetti Sauce with oregano and garlic in it . They will be yours for food.

30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give you for food to them." And it was so.

31 The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

John 1: The Flying Spaghetti Monster Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the Word was The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

2 He was with The Flying Spaghetti Monster in the beginning.

3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

4 In him was Monsterness, and that Monsterness was the Monsterness of men.

5 The Monsterness monsters in the darkness, but the darkness has not over-monstered it.

6 There came a man who was sent from The Flying Spaghetti Monster; his name was John.

7 He came as a witness to testify concerning The Flying Spaghetti Monster, so that through him all men might believe.

8 He himself was not The Flying Spaghetti Monster; he came only as a witness to the Monster

9 The true Monster that gives Monsterness to every man was coming into the world.

10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.

11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.

12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of The Flying Spaghetti Monster—

13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the only-begotten Monster, who came from The Flying Spaghetti Monster, full of Monsterness.

15 John testifies concerning the Monster. He cries out, saying, "This is That of which I said, 'The Monster that comes after me has surpassed me because It was before me.' "

16 From the fullness of his Monsterness we have all received one Monster after another.

17 Monsters came through Jesus Christ.

18 No one has ever seen The Flying Spaghetti Monster, but the only-begotten Monster ,who is at The Flying Spaghetti Monster's side, has made him known.

(John the Baptist Denies Being the Flying Spaghetti Monster )

19 Now this was John's testimony when the Jews of Jerusalem sent priests and Levites to ask him who he was.

20 He did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, "I am not the Flying Spaghetti Monster."

21 They asked him, "Then who are you? Are you Freddy Krueger?" He said, "I am not." "Are you George W. Bush?" He answered, "No."

22 Finally they said, "Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?"

23 John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, "I am the voice of one calling in the desert, 'Make straight the way for the The Flying Spaghetti Monster' "

24 Now some Pharisees who had been sent questioned him,

25 "Why then do you baptize with Spaghetti Sauce if you are not The Flying Spaghetti Monster, nor Freddy Krueger, nor George W. Bush?"

26 "I baptize with Spaghetti Sauce," John replied, "but among you stands a Monster you do not know.

27 He is the Monster who comes after me, the thongs of whose Monster-boots I am not worthy to untie."

28 This all happened at Tortellini on the other side of the Romano River, where John was baptizing with Spaghetti Sauce.

(Jesus the Roasted Lamb of The Flying Spaghetti Monster )

29 The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, "Look, the Roasted Lamb of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, who takes away the sin of the world!

30 This is the one I meant when I said, 'A Monster who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.'

31 I myself did not know The Flying Spaghetti Monster, but the reason I came baptizing with Spaghetti Sauce was that It might be revealed."

32 Then John gave this testimony: "I saw The Flying Spaghetti Monster swoop down from The Sky and drop Spaghetti on him.

33 I would not have known him, except that the Flying Spaghetti Monster told me, 'The man on whom you see the Spaghetti come down and remain is he who will baptize with Extra Thick Spaghetti Sauce.'

34 I have seen and I testify that this is the Son of The Flying Spaghetti Monster."

Jesus' First Disciples

35 The next day John was there again with two of his disciples.

36 When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Roasted Lamb of The Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

37 When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus.

38 Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?" They said, "Epicure" (which means Gormand), "Do you have any Spaghetti?"

39 "Come," he replied, "and you will see." So they went and saw his Spaghetti, and spent the day eating Spaghetti with him. It was about the tenth hour.

40 Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus.

41The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, "We have found the Monster!" (that is, the Son of The Flying Spaghetti Monster).

42 And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon son of John. You will be called ‘Macaroni’ " (which, when translated, is Pasta).

(Jesus Calls Philip and Nathaniel )

43 The next day Jesus decided to leave for Spaghettiville. Finding Philip, he said to him, "Follow me."

44 Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Linguini.

45 Philip found Nathaniel and told him, "We have found the Roasted Lamb of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, written about in the Holy Cook-Book and about whom the Italians also wrote—Jesus of Lasagna , the son of The Flying Spaghetti Monster."

46"Lasagna! What good can come from it?" Nathaniel asked. "Come and see," said Philip.

47 When Jesus saw Nathaniel approaching, he said of him, "Here is a true Gormand, in whom there is nothing but Spaghetti."

48"How do you know?" Nathaniel asked. Jesus answered, "I saw you while you over at Mama Mia’s Italian Restaurant, eating Spaghetti, before Phillip called you."

49 Then Nathaniel declared, "Rabbi, you are the Son of The Flying Spaghetti Monster; you are the King of Pasta."

50 Jesus said, "You believe because I told you I saw you eating Spaghetti? You shall see greater things than that!"

51 He then added, "I tell you the truth, you shall see The Sky open, and the angels of The Flying Spaghetti Monster ascending and descending on the Son of The Flying Spaghetti Monster."