Songs and Poems
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Assorted Sordid Songs & Poems

(Disclaimer:  These may contain language that some would deem offensive. Some may even contain language heard in popular public movies.  If you are hyper-sensitive to "foul" language, please close your eyes as you read these.)

Table of Contents

Religion Is A Crutch

by:  "Brutha Nate"

Religion is a CRUTCH
for those that can't hack it
Religion ain't NOTHIN'
but a FUNERAL RACKET!

Get you focused on DEATH
instead of focused on LIFE
Use you all up
stab your heart with a KNIFE!

Clergy BUGGER your children
They SQUANDER your cash
They jabber 'bout Heaven
while they dive for the cash!

Bunch of ego-trippin' liars
with their head up their ass
They take your confession
and blackmail your ass!

They tell everyone
what they all want to hear
Tell them all the old lies
to calm all their fears

Religious folks are like KIDS
they want daddy or mom
To kiss all their boo-boo's
Keep 'em safe from The Bomb

Well there AIN'T no Cosmic Parent
Ain't no Spirit in the Sky!
All we have is each other
get it RIGHT or we'll DIE!

I HATE To ToleRATE

by: "Brutha Nate"

Jesus suffered fo' yo' sins
yeah, he died on th' cross
So git down on yo' knees
'cuz HE'S th' fuckin' boss
Jesus rose up from th' dead
n' he flew off inta space
But he's comin' back agin
to DESTROY th' human race!

If ya wanna be a Christian
here's whatcha gotta do
Grab yo' mutha fuckin bible
an' THUMP it like a FOOL!
Jesus loves you oh so much
it's awesome shit to tell
So give yer heart to Jesus
or he'll FRY yo' ass in HELL!

Jesus whispered in mah ear
jus' th' other day
He said to go an' blow up
some abortionists today
So I heeded his command
and did just whutty sed
Now a buncha mutha fucka's
they got SHRAPNEL in th' HEAD!

I hate every mutha fucka
that doesn't think like me
And there ain't no way in hell
that I'll EVER LET YOU BE!

The Golden Years

(from off the internet. author unknown)

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ASS

The Old Neon Cross

by:  "Brutha Nate"

On a hill, far away
Stood an old Neon Cross
The Emblem of commercialization
And I knew
As I prayed
By that old Neon Cross
That I'd either get MONEY
Or LAID!

I will cherish
The old Neon Cross
Till my wallet
At last I lay down
I will CLING
To the old Neon Cross
And continue
To act like a CLOWN!

Jesus Hates Me

M.S. & M.S.

Jesus hates me, this I know,
For he *created hell below,
Little children there do go,
While he stays above
To watch them glow.

Yes, Jesus hates me!
Yes, Jesus hates me!
Yes, Jesus hates me-
The Bible tells me so.

*John 1:3 "ALL things came into being through HIM" i.e. Jesus. "All things" would include hell.

Silent Night 

by Mark Smith

Silent night, wholly night.
All was calm, what a sight,
Round ex-virgin, heavy with child,
Squealing infant, loud and wild.
She got a heavenly piece,
Now give us some heavenly peace.

All Hail The Power

by Mark Smith

All hail the power of rhetoric,
Let reasoning prostrate fall.
Yell scream kick roll,
'cause don't you know,
Emotion is Lord of all.
Yell scream kick roll,
'cause now you know,
Emotion is Lord of all.

Is Thy Heart Right With God ?

by Mark Smith

Has her sexuality been nailed to the cross?
Then she is right with God!
Does she count pleasure and happiness but loss?
Then she is right with God!
Then she is right with God,
Though to her brothers she's odd.
Alone and afraid,
A celibate old maid,
Alone in the night with God.

Wonderful Words of Life

by Mark Smith

Sing them over again to me, pleasing pleasantries.
Let me more of their beauty see, pleasing pleasantries.
Words of deceit and guile, won't disturb my lifestyle.
Beautiful words, wondered at words, wonderful prose and poetry,
Beautiful words, wondered at words, wonderful apathy. 

Higher Ground

by Mark Smith

I'm plodding along, the man-made way,
New ground I'm losing, every day,
Still wondering where that I am bound,
Lord here's my feet, but where's your ground?

Lord stay away, and let me stand,
By works on mankind's table land,
A higher plane, than that guy there,
Lord I'm so good, why don't you care?

Revive Us Again

by Mark Smith

We amaze thee, O God,
With intellectual love,
For our hearts have turned cold,
Lacking spirit from above.

Seig heil! We are the kingdom.
Seig heil! And amen.
Seig heil! We are the kingdom,
Your backs we shall bend.

My Jesus I Love Thee

by Mark Smith

My Bible, I love thee,
You look, oh so fine.
For thee, one week's wages,
To make you all mine.
Morocco leather binding,
On Indian paper, too.
My Oxford & Cambridge,
I'll always worship you.

We Are Marching To Zion

by Mark Smith

Come we that love to fight,
And let our hate be shown.
Join in our war, God's on our side,
Join in our war, God's on our side,
And thus sur-round the sinners,
And thus sur-round the sinners.
   

We're marching to a clinic,
A beautiful abortion clinic,
We're marching upward to hassle the women,
And shoot doctors in the back.

Oh Holy Zygote
(to the tune of "Oh Holy Night")

by Mark Smith

Oh holy zy-gote,
You little pro-to-plaaaaa-sm,
To some a seeeeeed,
But in you I see the tree!

Your cells di-vi-ding,
Brings greatest joy to me-eee,
So I'll be hid-ing,
With  gun be-hind that tree.

Killlllllllll, kill that dooooc-toooooor,
And wooooooound, wound his nuuuurrrse.
Oh liiiiifffffe to meeeee,
Oh life, so sacred please.

Oh diiiiieeee, die you scuuu-uuum,
Die from my Earth

So diiiieeee, die you scumbags,
Die from the face of my Earth.
Oh did, oh die, ohhh die, oh please die,
Now die, you Doctor, die, please bleed to death.

I Am Thine O Lord

by Mark Smith

I am thine, I think,
I've maybe heard thy voice,
And it told that you might love me.
But I long to recline in the arms of doubt,
And be further removed from Thee.

Make it possible, probable,
Sometimes almost sure,
As I stumble blindly on.
Make it possible, probable,
Sometimes almost sure,
'Cause I know I'm being conned.

Joyful Joyful

by Nathan Merritt

Mournful, mournful, we abhor thee,
God of judgment, God of law.
Hearts recoil in horror before thee,
Looming over the fires of hell.

Scare the smiles from light-hearted children,
Drive the joy of youth away,
Giver of all phobic madness,
Fill us with your dread today.

Thou are taking and forsaking,
Ever cursing, ever cursed.
Cesspool of the fear of dying,
Ocean depth of misery.

Every day march we backwards,
Losers in the game of life.
Your mournful music drags us downward,
In our dreary dirge of strife.

He Stinks He Stinks

by Mark Smith

I served a stinky savior,
He seldom took a bath.
He never wore deodorant,
And so the stink did last.

His teeth remained unbrushed,
And he never learned to wipe.
For toothpaste and toilet paper,
were nowhere in sight.

He Stinks! He Stinks!
He never changed his clothes.
And he had no underwear,
Underneath that dirty robe!

He Stinks! He Stinks!
To high heaven and beyond!
You ask me how I know he stank?
They crucified him out of town!

All Things Dull and Ugly

Monty Python

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom.
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid--
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

Hark    The Herald Angels Sing

 (A REAL Christmas Song!)
--Mark Smith--

Hark! The herald angels sing,  20% off on everything.

Macy's, Sears, and Nordstroms too, ev-ry-things on sale for you.

Joyful, all ye women rise, join the shoppers, get the buys,

With angelic host proclaim, shopping's driving me insane.

Hark! the herald angels sing, credit cards buy everything.

Every Sperm Is Sacred

Composers: David Howman & Andre Jacquemin
Authors: Michael Palin & Terry Jones  (Monty Python)
From the Movie 'The Meaning of Life'
 http://www.wilken.freeserve.co.uk/Montypython/Songs/song15.htm 

DAD:

There are Jews in the world.

There are Buddhists.

There are Hindus and Mormons, and then

There are those that follow Mohammed, but

I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,

And have been since before I was born,

And the one thing they say about Catholics is:

They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.

You don't have to have a great brain.

You don't have to have any clothes on. You're

A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

GIRL:

Let the heathen spill theirs

On the dusty ground.

God shall make them pay for

Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is wanted.

Every sperm is good.

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood.

MUM:

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,

Spill theirs just anywhere,

But God loves those who treat their

Semen with more care.

MEN:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

WOMEN:

If a sperm is wasted,...

CHILDREN:

...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:

Every sperm is sacred.

BRIDE and GROOM:

Every sperm is good.

NANNIES:

Every sperm is needed...

CARDINALS:

...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is useful.

Every sperm is fine.

FUNERAL CORTEGE:

God needs everybody's.

MOURNER #1:

Mine!

MOURNER #2:

And mine!

CORPSE:

And mine!

NUN:

Let the Pagan spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

HOLY STATUES:

God shall strike them down for

Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is good.

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite iraaaaaate!

Muslims, Meet the Muslims
(NJM Sept 2003)
(sung to the tune of Flinstones, Meet the Flinststones)

Muslims
Meet the Muslims
They're the modern stone-age faith you see

From the
town of Bagdad
They'll infect your brain with lunacy

Let's drive
with the Muslims down the street
Shooting
every infidel we meet!

When you're
with the Muslims
Have an Allah ballah boo time
a camel-poo time
We'll have a towel-head time!

Plastic Jesus

ARTIST: Ernie Marrs 
TITLE: Plastic Jesus (http://gunther.simplenet.com/v/data/plasticj.htm) 

I don't care if it rains of freezes
 'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
 Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
 And my travels through the nations
 With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.

 Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
 I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
 And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.

 Riding down a thoroughfare
 With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.
Trouble coming He don't see, 
He just keeps His eye on me 
And any other thing that lies behind.

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus, 
Riding on the dashboard of my car ... 
Though the sunshine on His back
 Make Him peel, chip and crack, 
A little patching keeps Him up to par. 

When I'm in a traffic jam 
He don't care if I say "damn" 
I can let all my curses roll 
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
 'Cause he has a plastic ear 
The man who invented plastic saved my soul. 

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus, 
Riding on the dashboard of my car ... 
Once His robe was snowy white, 
Now it isn't quite so bright - 
Stained by the smoke of my cigar. 

If I weave around at night, 
And policemen think I'm tight, 
They never find my bottle - though they ask. 
Plastic Jesus shelters me, 
For His head comes off, you see 
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask. 

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus, 
Riding on the dashboard of my car ... 
Ride with me and have a dram 
Of the blood of the Lamb - 
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.

The Problem With Religion
(sung to the "Looney Tunes" theme music)
by NJM    April 2004

the problem with religion
is that it isnt true
and when i say religion
i mean christian-muslim-JEW!

you brains have been infected
by a very vicious meme
when i listen to you
you make me want to SCREAM!

you yammer bout your jesus
your allah and your lord
its all just looney nonsense
you make me fucking BORED!

so kindly take your jesus
and find another task
and just one more suggestion
please shove him up your ASS!

so take your holy bible
and eat it page by page
keep that thing away from me
i'll fly into a RAGE!

cuz i believe in Santa
and easter bunny too
and maybe the tooth fairy
but i dont believe in YOU!

your gods are all delusions
they exist inside your head
unless you understand that
soon we will all be DEAD!

you bunch of fucking morons
you shit brained goofy twits
your stupid damned religion
is just a bag of SHIT!

your allah is a moon god
your yahweh is insane
your jesus was a loser
and you are all DERANGED!

i'd smack you with my bible
but i dont have one
but i do have one thing
a mother-fucking GUN!

so kindly keep your distance
cuz I have had enough
of all your childish ravings
your drivel and your GUFF!

The Vatican Rag

Tom Lehrer

http://members.aol.com/quentncree/lehrer/vatican.htm

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional.
There the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman;
Ave Maria,
Gee, it's good to see ya.
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an'
Doin' the Vatican
Rag!
 

Jesus Christ Is Comin' To Town
 

NJM  October 2005

Oh you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why 
Jesus Christ is comin' to town!

He's makin' a list,
Checkin' it twice;
Gonna find out who's naughty n' nice. 
Jesus Christ is comin' to town!

He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for Jesus' sake!

With pestilence-plague and lunatic rage
Rippin a hole in the fabric of space
Jesus Christ is comin' to town

He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for Jesus' sake!

You better repent 
You better believe 
You better tell Christ   
You're a sinner n sleaze 
Jesus Christ is comin' to town!
 

Fairy Tale Universe

NJM   July, 2007 

I live a fairy-tale universe
with unicorns, basilisk trolls
I fly through the sky on my rosary
and kiss my immortal soul

Jesus is here and His Daddy too
They love to hear me blather
As long as I tell them all day long
They're slicker than shaving lather

I kiss the butt, the butt divine
yeah i really pucker up
but i gotta hold my breath n stuff
or I just might throw up

One fair fine day in a Jesus way
I stumbled upon the gospel
I preached it to the Hell's Angels
and had a fine time in hospital

I'm a bible dood and I am so rude
but it really doesn't matter
Cuz I've been washed in the Jesus blood
and I'm madder than a hatter