Lucy You Got Some Splainin To Do
Christians have made a cottage industry out of coming up
with far-fetched and implausible “explanations” to all the contradictions found
within their “perfect” Bible. Being a religion of the book (no book = no
religion) they’ve spared no effort of imagination or dishonesty when it comes to
thinking up new ways to defend the same old contradictions. The problem is,
we’ve been letting them get by for too long with their far-fetched
“explanations” and it’s time we put a stop to it, so here goes…
“Could-Have-Been” Scenarios
If there is no evidence to back up their endless
“could-have-been” scenarios, then they are to be rejected as mere speculations,
which even their own Bible condemns:
But refuse foolish and ignorant
speculations… (2Tim 2:23 NASB)
Speculations and unfounded claims would not be allowed into
any courtroom in this land, so why do we put up with the same from Christians
here in the court of human reasoning?
Even in a Christian marriage, such verbal shenanigans as
the Christians routinely pull upon us Atheists would not be tolerated. A
“could-have-been” minus any evidence to back it up would not be entertained,
discussed, or even taken seriously. For example, imagine a jealous wife catching
her husband, let’s say the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, in bed with another woman, just
like we Atheists catch the Bible in contradictions. There are possibly hundreds
of “explanations” and “could-have-been’s” the imaginative Reverend could come up
with to try to get out of a situation like this. In fact, on the wall, right
next to his bed, he should have a little red box with a glass front that says:
In case of adultery, break glass for list of excuses. Here is what might be
on the good Reverend’s list}
How To Save Ass From
Wrathful Wife:
q
I was hypnotized to do it.
q
I was abducted by aliens in a UFO who took over my mind.
q
The woman said she’d kill you unless I had sex with her.
q
There was no woman in bed- that was a hologram.
q
That wasn’t me with the woman- it was my evil twin.
q
You were hallucinating honey- who you gonna trust, me or your
lying eyes?
q
You were hallucinating honey- I could never cheat on you, for I
said along time ago that I wouldn’t, and I can’t lie, therefore you must be
hallucinating.
q
I found her frozen outside and had to apply body heat to save her
life.
q
I don’t know who she is honey! She must have broke into the house
while I was asleep, snuck into bed, and when I rolled over I accidentally put my
penis inside of her without knowing it.
Explanations such as these without the evidence to back
them up would be dismissed out of hand. This is just common sense, and anybody
who’s being honest will admit it. The only explanations that should be
entertained are those that come with good and sufficient evidence. If there is
NO evidence to back up an explanation (which is usually the case with cheating
husbands and Christian apologists) then the explanation is to be rejected on
that ground alone, if nothing else. We don’t have to waste even a minute of our
time trying to reason with the unreasonable who have no reasons for their
hair-brained “explanations” An alibi, without corroborating evidence to back it
up, is not an allowable alibi. The contradiction stands, and inerrancy falls.
Christians can see the contradictions, that’s not the
problem. The problem is, they don’t want to see the
contradictions. This can be easily proven. Find an obscure contradiction in the
Old Testament, and show it to a Fundy, but don’t tell him it’s from his Bible-
say it’s from The Book of Mormon. The Fundy will have no problem clearly seeing
the contradiction, as long as it’s from some other religion’s holy book. Go
ahead and tell him the “explanations” used by the “Mormons” (in reality the
Christians) and he might even get a good belly laugh at those “stupid Mormons”
for trying to pass off on people such lame excuses. By this exercise, you will
see that the problem is not in seeing the contradictions- the problem is in the
Christians not allowing themselves to see the contradictions when they reside
between the covers of their own Bible. But love is blind, and these people love
their book. Just as a woman in love won’t believe anything bad about her scumbag
husband, so also a Christian won’t believe anything bad about his gods or the
book the gods supposedly wrote.
Apparent Contradictions
When Christians admit that there is at least an “apparent
contradiction” in reality they have admitted there is a real
contradiction, for if the given evidence doesn’t resolve the contradiction, then
it is a real contradiction unless and until shown otherwise by good and valid
evidence. Speculations, unsupported alibis, wishful thinking, and far-fetched
“what if” scenarios do not constitute solutions to
contradictions, nor change a contradiction into a harmless “apparent”
contradiction. If within the given database there appears a contradiction for
which there’s no solution within the given database, then the contradiction
stands. Christians must no longer be allowed to manufacture “solutions” out of
thin air to “explain” Bible contradictions the way teenagers manufacture excuses
to explain why their room didn’t get cleaned. Christian hypotheticals used to
“explain” contradictions must no longer be granted any weight. It’s not our
fault they have a doctrine of inerrancy which requires intellectual dishonesty
to defend- maybe it’s time they change the damn doctrine! Next time a Christian
wants to be granted leeway with the “it’s only an apparent contradiction”
routine, take your apparent boot and shove it up his apparent ass. To flippantly
dismiss the hundreds of major contradictions within the Bible by labeling them
“apparent” is similar to holocaust deniers claiming the disappearance of six
million Jews was only “apparent” genocide.
************
They See More Than A Contradiction
Christian Fundies have intellectually and emotionally
locked themselves into a position that forces them, in desperation, to lie to us
and themselves. They’ve grown up pretending their gods exist, and pretending
that these gods are perfect. Naturally, perfect gods could only produce a
perfect book. The logical outcome of their fantasy is that for them to honestly
face up to the fact that their Bible is less than perfect would force them to
admit their gods are too, and therefore might not even exist, and therefore
everything they���ve lived for up to now might have been a big lie.
WE see a contradiction, but THEY see their whole world
crashing down around them, and believe it from one who’s been there and done
that- it feels just like someone knocked the wind out of you. Picture Jim Carrey
in the movie “The *Truman Show”. Imagine his feelings upon discovering that his
entire world and worldview had not been real. Or picture Keanu Reeves in “The
Matrix”, how hard it was for him to accept the same conclusion. Where Alfred
Atheist sees a contradiction in the Bible, Fred Fundy sees a lot more}
q
He sees his wife divorcing him.
q
He sees his kids hating him.
q
He sees his church- the one he’s been in since diapers-
excommunicating him.
q
He sees his Christian boss at work firing him.
q
He sees his parents being embarrassed by him.
q
He sees heaven & eternal life evaporating before his eyes.
Fred Fundy has a lot more at stake than Alfred Atheist if
he admits to a contradiction in his beloved Bible. For that reason, any
“explanation” no matter how far fetched, is better than the truth. Most Fred
Fundy’s would rather continue in a comfortable lie than wake up to a cold harsh
reality. Again- flash back to “The Matrix”. In “The Matrix” one of the rebels
decided he’d rather go back to the matrix, to the dream world where he ate fine
steaks in expensive restaurants. Reality- and its bland biomass slop for food,
was just too harsh for him. He preferred the matrix, as do most Christians,
ditto for drug addicts. They would all rather inhabit an artificial world
between their ears than face the real world as it is- and they don’t give a
rat’s ass that it’s fake- it feels better, and that’s all that matters to them.
For Christians, the myth of an eternal heaven of bliss is a more tasty steak
than the vegeburgers of reality offered up by us Atheists.
Atheists will lament “But we have the truth!” but all the
while, no one seems to want the truth. There are lots of truths out there
competing for airtime that most people would rather ignore. Millions of smokers
blind themselves to the truth of how they are slowly killing themselves every
time they light up. They know the truth, but it’s not really high on their
priority list. A nicotine rush is a more enjoyable for them than “the truth”.
Look at obese people- do you think they obsess over clogged arteries every time
they pack it away? Look at people who don’t exercise- and this includes many
theologians- they know “the truth” that lack of exercise will kill them. Does
that motivate them out of their easy chair to the gym or treadmill? Most of
humanity is happier in their comfortable lies than “the truth” and people in
general seem to value happiness as their priority in life. “The truth” is not
high up on their list. Their myths give them pleasure; “the truth” does not.
Smokers don’t want the truth; what they want is another cigarette. Obese people
don’t want the truth; what they want is that next juicy steak. And Christians
sure as hell don’t want the truth; what they want are their pleasant myths.
Given the choice of harsh reality, or the warmth of the matrix, Christians will
pick to crawl back into their theological matrix almost every time, where no
amount of lecturing them about “the truth” can dislodge them.
Conclusion
Don’t humor Christians by attempting to refute their
“explanations” which, due to the lack of evidence, are their own best
refutation. To borrow one of my own phrases, “No Evidence, No Belief.” If
they’ve got nothing but hot air and speculations as solutions to Biblical
contradictions, the contradiction remains: you’ve already won the argument. You
don’t have to waste your time on verbal volleyball (unless, of course, you’re
really bored!). And as for those Christians who value the mindless dogma of
inerrancy over and above the truth- let them remain in their matrix. They
deserve it. They don’t want to be set free. Better a fantasy steak and an
error-free book than the harsh reality of having to think for oneself.
*For Luddites, Mennonites,
Nazarene’s and anyone else out there who still won’t enter a movie theater, here
are some web sites to bring you up to cultural speed:
The Truman Show}
http://www.transparencynow.com/truman.htm
The Matrix}
http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/
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