||Planning a career in online Christian
fundamentalist apologetics? How about the exciting world of Young-Earth
Creationism? Witnessing to, and debating with, atheists and other
hellbound unsaved sinners on the internet can be hard work, so you need
to familiarise yourself with the tried and tested methods used by
fundies all around the world. After completing this simple training
course, the shadow of doubt will never again flicker across your mind
whilst listening to the lies and deceptions of those ignorant infidels
who disagree with your self-evident truths.
First and foremost, the Bible is the absolute, literal word of God.
Contrary to popular opinion, it contains none of the following:
- errors of any kind
When you understand this, dealing with those who claim to have found
a contradiction is simplicity itself: there are no
contradictions, so he cannot have found one! You see? Easy, isn't it? If
your opponent continues in his error after having this explained to him
(nice and slowly), elaborate on your answer using an appropriate
response from the following list:
- That translation is incorrect - in the original texts a
different word is used, so it is not a contradiction.
- He is taking the verses out of context, so there is no
- Satan has blinded him to the truth. There is no contradiction,
and he should pray to be shown the correct meaning.
- This is only an apparent contradiction. That is not the
same as an actual contradiction.
- If the verses are interpreted correctly, it is obvious
that there is no contradiction.
- There are no contradictions in the Bible, so this is not a
- The contradiction is caused by his anachronistic thinking. The
word [insert word here] had a different meaning back then.
Having just demonstrated that the supposed contradictions do not
exist, you have now proved that there are no contradictions in the
Bible, reinforcing your claim that it is truly the unsullied Holy Word
There is but one measuring stick required to determine the truth of
any claim - how it compares with Holy Scripture. More precisely, how it
compares with your personal reading of Scripture. So, if some secular
humanist scientists dare to dream up a theory (or "wild guess", as it is
more accurately known) that apparently conflicts with the teachings of
the Bible, clearly these egg-head mad professors have made yet another
idiotic mistake, possibly under demonic influence. How do we know they
are mistaken? See "1 Inerrancy".
Conversely, when science agrees with the Bible we should applaud the
brave, Bible-believing investigators for supporting the Holy Word and
showing the glory of Creation. But usually they are wrong.
Never forget, the atheists are quick to use the findings of science
as "evidence" in their arguments, but this is because materialism and
science are their god and religion. They want the men in white coats to
save them from the God they know will judge them.
There are many things which science cannot explain. However, you
can explain these things instantly and simply by saying "God did it".
Perhaps the atheist will say "Well, we don't yet know how the Big Bang
happened, and maybe never will, but we're working on it". Easy solution
- God did it. Problem solved. However, some atheists are stubborn in
their evil ways and you may have to repeat this scientific explanation
to them many times before they accept it. Of course, when scientists
eventually do come up with an answers for such problems, be prepared to
patiently explain to them that this is what your religion taught all
along, if interpreted correctly.
3) Debating techniques
Here we delve into the murky world of online debating with heathens.
You can witness to lost souls in USENET newsgroups (such as
talk.origins), or in
on their websites.
In a heated argument, you will often find yourself losing track of
your previous posts, and the atheist will often accuse you of
contradicting comments you made earlier. As your words are Bible-based,
it stands to reason that they should therefore be correct at all times.
Refer to "1 Inerrancy". Alternatively, remember
that, as slaves of The Evil One, atheists will do their best to twist
your words and attempt to confuse you. If this appears to be happening,
ignore their comments and pray for strength.
Logic and reason
These are the playthings of the unbeliever, and you should have no
truck with them. Faith in the Lord is all you need. The atheist will try
to imply that God should be bound by the rules of logic, but God
invented logic and so cannot be constrained by it! The more
illogical and unreasoning you are, the harder it becomes for atheists to
refute your statements. They will scream "But that doesn't make sense!
It is logically impossible!" - be that as it may, your faith will tell
you that you are correct. With God, all things are possible -
including impossible things. What more do you need?
The burden of proof is on the skeptic
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" you will be
told. But just who is making the extraordinary claim here? You, who
simply observe the Creator's hand in all things, or the infidel who
against all logic and reason denies the very same. Clearly, it is
incumbent on the unbelievers to support their ludicrous assertions that
there is no God. Ask them if they can prove God does not exist. Ask how
they can be so arrogant to make this claim, when they have not searched
the entire universe for God. They will come back and ask you to disprove
the existence of Zeus, Vishnu and unicorns, but you should dismiss such
childish nonsense - there is no comparison between the fairy-tale gods
of other religions and the Truth of Christianity, Their inability to
disprove God is evidence enough that He is real. If they cannot overturn
your theory, they are clearly being unreasonable by refusing to accept
After spending a few days debating with a group of atheists, you
should leave them alone for a week or so. This will give them time to
come to terms with the truths you have revealed. Also, it will provide
time for new people to join the discussion. This allows you to return to
the forum once more and repeat your statements, unchanged, for the
benefit of newcomers. We recommend storing your longer arguments in a
text file, so it can be easily cut-and-pasted into the forum. If the
forum regulars object, explain that, having already corrected their
misconceptions, you are now simply trying to reach the new members and
those who still unreasonably reject the truth. If they are civilised
people, they will respect this and stand aside. Repeat this technique
until you are banned from the board or placed in everybody's killfile.
To take the wind out of your opponent's sails, reply to the smallest
query with pages and pages of text. Ideally, you should spend a couple
of hours writing this yourself, but if you don't have the time
cut-and-paste relevant (or, if possible, irrelevant) information from
other Christian websites or resources. Try to spend at least ten
kilobytes explaining why they should pray more, why they should fear
Hell, how Christ died for their sins, why prominent Christian
philosophers and scientists disagree with them, how long-dead Christians
have already proven them wrong, and so on. Ask as many obscure questions
as possible. If they are truly sincere (which, being atheists, is
impossible) they will answer all of your points. If they fail to answer
all of your points and questions, victory is yours. Make a note
of this humiliating defeat and remember to bring it up often when
dealing with this particular individual. (This is also a handy technique
to use during a live debate with evolutionists. )
A variant on this theme is to post numerous verses from the Bible to
support your argument. Why bother with a hundred words of explanation,
when a single verse will do it all for you. Simply post the verse that
refutes the atheist, and then maybe two or three more referring to
hellfire. As the verses are known to be true, little more need be said
on the matter. If the atheist predictably comes back with a counter
argument, post the same verses again but suggest that he actually
read them this time.
Grammar and spelling
- Are not important, as long as the Spirit guides you. If you are
criticised for being unable to form a sentence in English, or using
words like "athiset", "Noahs arc", "evolotin" and "revilatian" - worry
not. It is not the trivia of punctuation and spelling which is
important, but getting the message of God across.
Consider this excellent example. To the untrained eye, the writer may
appear to be an illiterate, ignorant dolt, but just feel the love in his
"i was wonder if you yourself knew that darwin disowned his theroy in
his last days knowing that fossils show species suddenly appering not
sight mutations made over long periods of time. the fact is eveolution
is total improvible."
Only the coldest of hearts could not be moved by such testimony. This is
the sort of level of incoherent drooling you should be aiming for.
You should combine a flimsy grasp of the English language with your
own distinctive writing style. The following are quite fashionable at
- writing everything in lower case without any punctuation at all
this can be quite difficult to read but is very easy to type which
is a bonus dont you think
- ALTERNATIVELY, WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THIS MAKES YOUR
IMPORTANT MESSAGE STAND OUT AND PEOPLE WILL TAKE NOTICE OF IT AND
REALISE THAT YOU REALLY MEAN IT.
- short, disjointed.....sentences separated by long......strings
of dots.....this makes you look quite.....thoughtful as if you
are......pausing every now and......then.
- Overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can emphasise the
point you are trying to make!!!!!!!!!!!! Question marks also work
well, don't they???????????????????????????
- Show ur mastery of the Internet by using words like "u" instead
of "you", "2" instead of "to" and "too", "ur" instead of "your" and
"you're", and u 2 can spread the gospel 2 other kewl d00dz.
If English is not your first language, all the better. The way you
present your argument says a lot about you, so pick wisely.
Knowledge of the subject
Whether you are talking about evolution, the origins of the universe,
basic human anatomy, or the structure of the solar system, there is no
need to concern yourself with learning anything at all about the issue.
See "1 Inerrancy". By definition, those who disagree with you are wrong,
deluded and possibly perverts, so it is a bad idea to pollute your mind
with their religious beliefs. All the evidence in the world is no match
for a single grain of the True Faith.
If they say "But evolution doesn't work like that! You are completely
clueless!" remind them that evolution doesn't actually work at all. Has
a cow ever given birth to a dog? Do we see hydrogen turning into people
around us? If we "evolved" from chimps, why are there still chimps? Why
do we not see amoebae sprouting legs and talking? These harsh insights
will cut through their dogma like a hot knife through butter.
If discussing evolution, try asking for a complete list of
transitional fossils from ape to human. They may provide you with a few
dozen examples, but it is hardly complete, is it? How can you be
expected to accept such shoddy evidence? Go on to inform them that those
are not transitional fossils anyway, as there are no
transitionals. Clearly God created all species individually, otherwise
they would have no trouble finding the evidence. The gaps in the fossil
record are therefore solid evidence for creationism.
If they refer you to papers or websites showing that the universe is
billions of years old, refer them in turn to Genesis. Explain how carbon
dating methods have been shown to be hopelessly flawed. For instance,
when the Turin Shroud was dated, the so-called experts put it around the
14th Century, instead of 33AD. This obviously calls into question all
the other radiometric dating guesses they will throw around.
Definitions of words
Words can often mean several different things. For example, the word
"set" has dozens of meanings : a set of things; a badger lives in a set;
a jelly will set; you can set something down on a table; you can set up
a meeting; and so on. Words mean what you need them to mean at any
particular time. This is a common reason why you will find atheists
misunderstanding things - they think you mean one thing, when actually
you were talking about something else. It's hardly your fault if they
are unable to keep up, is it? For example, Genesis speaks of a mist
rising from the ground to water the Earth. This can mean : mist, rain,
dew, fog, clouds, water vapour, condensation, snow, hail, sleet or any
other conceivable form of precipitation. Let the Spirit guide you in
this matter, and if the atheist claims you are mistaken or contradicting
yourself, let the Spirit guide you once more to the true definition of
the word. This may happen many times, as you can easily misinterpret the
4) Mental gymnastics
Lying for Jesus
Being economical with the truth, making up data on the spot and
ignoring conflicting evidence are all handy weapons in your arsenal. The
important thing is to convince the opponent of the veracity of your
claims. Just how you go about this is unimportant. Feel free to refer to
other fundamentalist works, whether or not they have been supposedly
"discredited", "refuted" or "demonstrated to be false" - the ICR website
and publications, Jack Chick tracts, Dr.Dino's website and videos,
Answers In Genesis, things you remember hearing from other fundies or as
a child in Sunday School, and so on. When comparing the works of
God-fearing, Bible-believing Christians against deviant secular humanist
scientists, who are you going to believe?
Remember, you are here to save their immortal soul from the burning
fires of Hell, not educate them in stuff they don't really need to know
anyway. If you have a dubious argument based on fictional data, but it
works, then there is no problem. The vital matter is bringing souls to
Jesus and how you go about that is immaterial. The ends justify the
means, and in this case the "ends" are souls being saved. Such a noble
and worthy goal itself justifies any means you see fit to use. Physical
force is generally frowned upon, although there are clear historical
precedents for this. Use your own judgement.
Don't forget, the Lord is watching at all times, and will certainly
forgive you as long as you are spreading His good news. So go to it!
In this world, what you know to be true often conflicts with the
reality around you. To be a soldier for Christ it will help enormously
if you can master the technique of mental compartmentalisation. This
means you must be able to keep your scriptural knowledge away from the
secular knowledge that allows you to function in wordly matters, e.g. at
your place of work. For example, even though science is clearly mistaken
about the processes involved in radioactive decay (see the "carbon
dating" example above), if you worked at a nuclear power plant it would
be necessary to assume the opposite was true - otherwise it would be
impossible to build nuclear reactors. Likewise, a good fundy astronomer
knows that the correct date of the universe is about 10,000 years at
most, but must be able to examine galaxies millions of light-years away
and explain them according to the secular model of cosmology. Being able
to hold two (or more) sets of mutually exclusive thoughts at once is
extremely beneficial to the up-and-coming fundy on the internet.
Remember, something might be "true" while you're at work or sitting
an exam, but it's still completely wrong, and you should switch back to
the "Christian Compartment" in your brain whenever possible.
Ignorance is bliss, and what is more blissful than reading the Word
Of God? You will often find yourself accused of this "crime", but why
should you waste time trying to learn how the unbelievers lie to
themselves? You don't need to read a book on evolution to know that it
is wrong. You don't need to read a book about the so-called Big Bang to
know that it is a delusion.
It is the atheists who are wildly ignorant for not reading the Bible!
Sure, many of them say they have read it, but this is clearly a
lie - if they've read it, how come they don't believe it?
Don't waste your precious time trying to get to grips with their
overly-complicated theories, when you have a much simpler theory that
you already know is true.
There you have it - Fundy Think For Beginners.
All you need to do now is decide how to sign off your devastating
arguments. There is classic arrogant abuse, such as "Ha ha ha what an
idiot! God made it all! Get an education."; or patronising the opponent
- "I'll pray that God opens your closed mind and eyes"; a selection of
obscure Bible verses, maybe; and finally, the ever popular subtle
threats of hellfire - "Well, I've told you the Truth, I only hope you
like it HOT after you die".
Don't forget what you've learned : return a week later and post
exactly the same assertions that you started with.
© Adrian Barnett 2001