Table of Contents
----------------------










The Bible:  Worthy of Your Trust?


Eyewitness Testimony Invalidated

     Responses to Eyewitness Testimony Invalidated

God Is Not The Author

History or HIS-STORY?

How Firm A Foundation... of Forgeries???

James the Brother of Jesus

Schizophrenia and Personal Revelations

     Responses to Schizophrenia




The God of The Bible

Biblegod Is Not Perfect

    Responses to Biblegod Not Perfect

Biblegod The Warcriminal

    Responses to Biblegod
The Warcriminal


Tyrannosaurus Pettius Rex

Jehovah Unmasked

In or Out or Neit
her


Acts of God

September 11th Biblegod Did Nothing

    Responses to September 11th




The God of The Bible:
Does He Exist?

E=MC Disproves God

    Responses to E=MC

How To Prove The Existence of God

    Responses to How To Prove The Existence of God

Shopping For A God

Transcendental La La Land




Caught in a Lie:  Contradictions Within The Bible

Don't Be Such A Cretan

The Genealogy of Jesus

Galilee vs Jerusalem

Matthew vs John

Intrinsic Contradictions

Splainin To Do

The Intercontinental Ballistic Jesus

The Sign on The Cross

     Responses to The Sign on The Cross




Sand, Not Rock:  What Christianity is Really Built Upon

The Atonement

Monotheism Not Biblical

The Ten Commandments

Christianity Has Pagan DNA

Faith

Misc. Topics & Thoughts




Jesus:  False Prophet?


False Prophet- Liar, Fraud!

 If Anybody Else But Jesus…

 Jesus and His Expired Prophecies

Matthew 24 Verse by Verse

Mt 24:34 What The Scholars Say

Significance of Jesus Being a False Prophet

Preterism

     Responses to Jesus The False Prophet




Jesus:  Resurrected?

Even If True

Evidence That Doesn't Demand a Verdict

The Roman Soldiers: "We Were There!"

     Responses to Roman Soldiers




Churchianity Examined

Connecting The Dots

The Authority Totem

Twenty Percent Fewer Errors

Fire The Clergy

     Responses to Fire The Clergy

The Wealth of Churches

Authority In Church Government

The Fleecing of The Flock

The Great Commission Does Not Apply




CAUTIONChristianity May Be Hazardous to Your Health

Victims of Religion

   Responses to Victims of Religion

Voices In Our Head

Brainwashing

   Responses to Brainwashing

We Love Our Lies




Christian Morality or Lack Thereof 

Christianity Doesn't Work as Advertised

Hypocrisy- Thy Name is Christian

Morality

The Gospel of Jesus

 Happy Father's Day

He Wasn't a REAL Christian




Evangelical Atheism

Free JCnot4me Business Cards
JCnot4me Business Cards- FREE!

Without A Leg To Stand On (A Message For Freethinkers)

Give To Him That Asks

   Responses to Give To Him That Asks

Just Say No

   Responses to Just Say No

Damn The Truth- Full Speed Ahead

Answering Christian Stock Arguments

Modern Miracle Workers

Atheists In America

Anti-Religious Songs

Do Unto Others

Kissing Hank's Ass

Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

Poster: Jesus is a Liar & Lunatic

The Good News of Atheism

The Skeptic’s Prayer

What Would Jesus Do?




Christian Cults

Consumers Guide to Religion- John Cleese of Monty Python (audio file)

Geek Speak Like a Fundy

   Responses to Geek Speak 101

How To Be a Fundy

-----

Baptists} Once Saved, Always Saved: Always False

Catholics: Only Child or Eldest Brother

Church of Christ

   Responses to Church of Christ Essays

Dr. Robert Schuller: Racism By A Nose

Jehovah Witnesses

Nazarenes} Entire Sanctification = Entire Nonsense

   Responses to Entire Sactification

Mormons

Seventh Day Adventists




For Christians...

Message to Christian Apologists

Notes to Christians Battling Atheists

Move A Mountain

Hope

Ex-Christians Get No Respect

Abortion

Hellfire For Homosexuals and Roses




Creationism, aka Intelligent Design

The Universe According To The Bible

   Responses to The Universe

In The Beginning God Was Nuts

Intelligent Design




Politics

Legalize Prostitution

Its The Economy, Stupid

Illegal Immigration

Bush Is Outta Here!!!

The Bush Monkey

Twilights Last Gleaming




Contra Craig
    (Dr. William Lane Craig)


Contra Craig

   Responses to Contra Craig




Misc.

Editorials

   Responses To Editorials

Comments to JCnot4me- Pro + Con

One Picture is Worth...

Links- Other Websites Worth Checking Out




Books You Should Read   

Jehovah Unmasked cover
Jehovah Unmasked




Ha Ha Ha

Christian Election Poster

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Invitation from Rev. Jim Jones

Jokes

Pranks

Songs and Poems




 





 

 


The Chihuahua     Patron Saint of Christian Geeks

...Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap...
The Chihuahua
Patron Saint of Christian Geeks

by Mark Smith

I'd like to nominate, as the Patron Saint of all Christian geek intellectuals, the Chihuahua. These are my reasons:

  • The Chihuahua is an ankle bitter, as by his nature he can't reach any higher issues, much less reach the heart of an issue.

  • He's irritating as hell- lots of noise, not much substance.

  • He seems to think he's bigger and more important than he really is.

  • He's mean and obnoxious to all outside his own family or group.

 


The Gordian Knot- Favorite Rope Trick of Christian Fundies

by Mark Smith

The primary concern of any Christian geek is NOT to discover any new truths, but to defend what he already is convinced IS the truth and ALL the truth, which truth just happens to lay between the leather covers of his Bible. One of their primary ways of defending their garbage is to tie the data up into a mess of a knot that no human being would ever be able to figure out how they tied it in the first place. 

 But just like Alexander had little problem slicing thru the Gordian knot that confronted him, so also I. I don't play by their rules, and I don't try to untangle their mess of "logic". All I do is cut to the foundational issues, expose their bullshit, and send them running.

So next time you're scared because the knot the xtians have presented you looks too intimidating, just hand them over to me.

 

 

 


 

 

Geek Speak 101

******
 Many Christian intellectual geeks seek to use big words and philosophical gobbledygook, 
not to clarify an issue, but rather to muck it up. For if many of their issues were clarified, 
the commoners (i.e. you and I) would see in an instant that their emperor has no clothes on.
And so they live and theologize by the motto: 
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, 
baffle them with your bullshit.
In light of such theological bullshit artists, I'd like to present the following aria from 
Gilbert & Sullivan's opera 
Patience 
from the year 1881
 ******
 
 
 
If you're anxious for to shine
 in the high aesthetic line
 as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs
 of the transcendental terms
and plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies 
and discourse in novel phrases 
of your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter 
if it's only idle chatter 
of a transcendental kind.
 
 
 
               And ev'ry one will say,
               As you walk your mystic way,
"If this young man expresses himself 
in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man
 this deep young man must be !"
 
 
Be eloquent in praise 
of the very dull old days 
which have long since passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, 
that the reign of good Queen Anne
     was Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, 
and declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short 
in the cultivated court 
of the Empress Josephine.
 
 
               And ev'ryone will say,
               As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him 
which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth 
this kind of youth must be !"
 
 
Then a sentimental passion 
of a vegetable fashion 
must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato
 for a bashful young potato, 
or a not-too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle, 
you will rank as an apostle 
in the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly 
with a poppy or a lily 
in your` medieval hand.
 
 
               And ev'ryone will say,
               As you walk your flow'ry way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love 
which would certainly not suit me, 
Why, what a most particularly pure young man 
this pure young man must be !"
 

Spock Is Not Real

by Mark Smith

Regardless of the amount of wishful thinking expended by geeks both religious and atheistic, humans never were and never will be computers with legs attached. We are hairless apes, with a biological brain sloshing around in a sea of chemicals between our ears. Emotions are part and parcel of our thinking process, and any man who doubts this has never lived with a woman for more than three weeks.

A newspaper article (Los Angeles Times, 11/8/02, p. A23) reported on some findings from the annual convention of neuroscientists in Orlando, Florida. Among the more interesting findings are the following quotes:

  • The primal mood circuits of the brain can color manners, cooperation and judgment.
  • Even mild emotions can influence mental abilities. Emotions can trigger errors in judgment.
  • Emotions are hard-wired in the brain and are present very early.
  • Neural circuits were discovered that relate to shame and thus help regulate social behavior.
  • Brain circuits were discovered that are attuned to unfairness, which may underlie human's feelings of indignation.
  • Brain synapses that specialize in social cooperation were discovered, thus explaining why working together oft times makes people feel good about themselves.

Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame was a fictional character, to all but the most fanatical Trekkies.  This recent research should help all of us realize that even more so. We are emotional animals, and we don't have a little "emotion chip" ala Mr. Data from the newer Star Trek's that we can uninstall whenever it's convenient. Emotions cloud our judgments, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. You can memorize all the books on logic you want and pile up the PhD's on the wall- but when you hit your thumb with the hammer, it's not logic that's going to come spewing out of your mouth. The decisions you make today while suffering a splitting migraine headache may not be the same you'd make a year from now under better circumstances. 

Also, social morality appears more and more to be built into us biologically. It was not dropped out of the sky into Christian laps, to be dispensed by them. This built-in moral code operates within us Atheists as well as the Christians; so much for the constant Christian slander to the contrary that we Atheists are immoral barbarians drinking human blood and pillaging. 

 


 

Christians Love Their Bullshit- Saint Gregory

 

"A little jargon is all that is necessary to impose on the people. The less they comprehend, the more they admire."
C. F. Volney, The Ruins (Boston, 1872) p. 177)

 

Saint Gregory of Nazianzen
Bishop of Constantinople 381 - 390

"One of the foremost orators that have ever adorned the Christian church"

 

 


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN FUNDY

(Author Unknown)

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of other gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lower life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in three gods- the trinity.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" --including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that some spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a couple of generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs --though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

 


 

MAMA Bovina Scathos

(Memorize Assert Mock Assure)

by Robert Brian Hitchcock

Four Rules for Aspiring Christian Apologists

I)     Memorize: Memorize all of the "Logical Fallacies". Doing so will enable you to sound perfectly reasonable when you cite this or that fallacy in response to arguments raised by your opponents- arguments you really do not want to answer. By claiming that his arguments are either "improper" or "illogical" in nature you maintain the appearance of possessing the intellectual higher ground.

II)     Assert:  Assert that Biblegod is both all-powerful and all-reasonable. If your opponent refuses to concede the basic reasonableness of this "truth claim", it demonstrates he possesses poor critical  thinking skills. After all, what truly logical person would knowingly reject such a well-thought out argument advanced by a rational representative of an all powerful, all reasonable being?

III)    Mock: Mock everything about your opponent- especially his world view. Remember: you posses The Truth and your opponent is in denial of the ontological reality of  The Truth. (Romans 1:18-21)

IV)    Assure: Assure your opponent that (in spite of the above three rules) you really respect his intellectual integrity. By deconstructing his worldview you are only attempting to help him "perceive" reality a little more clearly. Tell him that this is the greatest gift a rational and logical being can bequeath to humanity; namely a reliable epistemology through which a consistent ontology can be formulated.

*****

Mama apologizes for committing the logical fallacy of "appealing to authority" in citing Romans 1:18-21. She realizes that most of her readers know that the final authority in spiritual matters is Reason, Logic and Argumentation. Unfortunately the vast majority of our weaker brethren still subscribe to the false ideas of it being the Bible, Tradition, and/or the teaching magisterium. They somehow still believe that these are the final court of appeal for ascertaining spiritual truth claims. Ironically these brethren forget that they all use logical formulations and arguments to back up their claims of having the superior "final authority".

See Also:  http://www.askwhy.co.uk/truth/000Apologetics.html 
    This site documents the verbal tricks that Christians use to defend their nonsense.

 


 

YAPPERS

by Robert Brian Hitchcock

 

YAPPERS: A acronistic definition of Christian apologists at the embryonic stage.

Young
Arrogant
Pontificating
Pests
Eagerly
Rejecting
Sanity

 

 


   

Slicing and Dicing Pew-Taters

by  Robert Brian Hitchcock

A Minister’s Guide to Flock Maintenance

The purpose of this paper is to help men of the cloth to maintain both their sanity and their job as they deal with the species known as the "Peculiar People" Christians or "pew-taters" as they are sometimes not so affectionately called, have a tendency to alienate themselves from both the non-Christians and those assigned to shepherd their immortal souls. Therefore, it is hoped that any man aspiring to become a minister will read this paper and implement the advice it contains. In the end, a happy preacher is a sane preacher and less likely to commit acts of sheer idiocy like the late David Koresh and/or Jim Jones.

There are exactly two types of Christians. This is a fairly broad categorization but nonetheless a true one. Christians tend to fall into one category or the other. The first category is the easiest for the minister to handle. We call this group the NORMS. This is an acronym for

Non-Rational

Orthodox

Rigidly

Maintaining

Status Quo

The Norms are a simple yet faithful part of the local church.  They supply the labor pool, the gene pool, and of course the all important fountain of wealth for the minister. It’s simple math really, under no circumstances is it advised for the minister to alienate the affections of this group. Remember: No Norms = No JOB and/or ego boosts for the preacher. So unless you desire to ape Paul and take up tent making as a profession, keep this part of the flock fat, lazy, and busy!

Of course it doesn't hurt to throw an occasional scare into the Norms. Invoke the two evangelical wolves of Secular Humanism and/or New-Ager just to keep the sheep on their hooves. Never let them know that the evil humanists are dying off and you cannot get two New-Agers to agree on anything, much less plot throwing 21st century Christians to the lions. Above all, bear constantly in mind that your goal is two-fold:

1. Comfort the Afflicted

2. Afflict the Comfortable

The second type of Christians is at best a mixed blessing for the man of god. We call this group the GEEKS:

Geniuses

Endeavoring to

Enlighten

Know-Nothing

Status Quoers

Comprising less than 10% of the total church population, the Geeks are the lightening rods of ecclesiastical history. The best that can be said of them is that they are a potential source of intellectual companionship for the pastor with an above average I.Q.. Even the intelligent preacher needs cerebral stimulation after a long week of feeding the Norms their weakly gruel from the Word and dealing with pesky Elders in Board meetings.

Companionship of the cerebral kind is not enough for the minister. He has to constantly reinforce his spiritual authority over the Flock. American Norms still suffer from the delusion that their personal relationship with Jesus translates into God's theocratic kingdom becoming a democracy. Either their Bible and/or the teaching authority of the Church must be reinforced in the Norm’s mind as the final court of spiritual appeal.

Geeks, however, are not satisfied with the clergy’s insistence that “to obey is better than sacrifice” is to be the attitude of all the laity. It is not enough to assert a particular doctrine or practice is true because the church / Bible says so. For the Geeks, it is impossible to be satisfied with the status quo, they possess the annoying habit of probing into the “why’s” and “wherefores” of all things theological.

A wise pragmatic minister will recognize this Geek compulsion and seek to channel it into safer, more peaceful channels. Let the Geeks pretend they are philosophers who utilize Logic and Reason in order to ascertain the validity of any proposition. It will keep them busy and out of the hair of both the Norms and the clergy.

A little church history will clarify this point. Most of the creeds, doctrines, and church splits which have occurred are the work of the Geeks of days long past. Luther, Arius, Athanasius, Calvin, the Campbells, and the late but no-so-great Walter R. Martin were all theological geeks whose “novel” ideas still haunt the 21st century church. Athanasius in particular bequeathed the Nicean Creed unto us. Ironically his “legacy” is believed by countless millions of Norms to be the essence of Real Christianity. Failure to believe in this document’s statements regarding the trinity will keep one from entering heaven, or so our “orthodox” Norms have been told. Truly, Nicea is the ultimate doctrinal “revenge of the Nerds”.

So, unless a pastor desires to be the lightening rod of the next “reformation” or schism in the church, he will keep the Geeks at arms length. Besides, it is a well-known fact that Geeks are the worst tithers and rarely show up when physical labor is involved I the upkeep of the local church building. They follow the dictum of Erasmus:

When I get a little money, I buy books. Whatever is left over will go to food and clothing.

It is best to leave the Geeks to their theological texts. On these rare occasions when it is necessary to employ the Geek’s metaphysical prowess do so by sicking them on the Humanists and other bogeymen that threaten the peace of the Norms. Ever so often a smart unbeliever will raise an argument against the “Faith” and unsettle the Norm’s trust in the Church’s claims to be the “Way, Truth, and Life.”

This is the only case when it is safe to turn the Geek attack dogs loose. They will formulate a new apologetic or defense of the faith, allowing the Norms to feel intellectually vindicated and peace returns to the pastures of Zion. Also, this allows the Geeks to feel useful and think they are a valued part of the Christian community, accepted by both the Norms and clergy.

Moral of This Story

A wise Pastor will keep the Geeks at bay and the Norms mowing the hay.

 

 

 

 


 

 

How To Think Like a Fundy    by Adrian Barnett 2001

 

 

  Planning a career in online Christian fundamentalist apologetics? How about the exciting world of Young-Earth Creationism? Witnessing to, and debating with, atheists and other hellbound unsaved sinners on the internet can be hard work, so you need to familiarise yourself with the tried and tested methods used by fundies all around the world. After completing this simple training course, the shadow of doubt will never again flicker across your mind whilst listening to the lies and deceptions of those ignorant infidels who disagree with your self-evident truths.

1) Inerrancy

First and foremost, the Bible is the absolute, literal word of God. Contrary to popular opinion, it contains none of the following:
 

  • errors of any kind
  • contradictions
  • absurdities

When you understand this, dealing with those who claim to have found a contradiction is simplicity itself: there are no contradictions, so he cannot have found one! You see? Easy, isn't it? If your opponent continues in his error after having this explained to him (nice and slowly), elaborate on your answer using an appropriate response from the following list:
 

  • That translation is incorrect - in the original texts a different word is used, so it is not a contradiction.
  • He is taking the verses out of context, so there is no contradiction.
  • Satan has blinded him to the truth. There is no contradiction, and he should pray to be shown the correct meaning.
  • This is only an apparent contradiction. That is not the same as an actual contradiction.
  • If the verses are interpreted correctly, it is obvious that there is no contradiction.
  • There are no contradictions in the Bible, so this is not a contradiction.
  • The contradiction is caused by his anachronistic thinking. The word [insert word here] had a different meaning back then.

Having just demonstrated that the supposed contradictions do not exist, you have now proved that there are no contradictions in the Bible, reinforcing your claim that it is truly the unsullied Holy Word of God.

 

2) Science

There is but one measuring stick required to determine the truth of any claim - how it compares with Holy Scripture. More precisely, how it compares with your personal reading of Scripture. So, if some secular humanist scientists dare to dream up a theory (or "wild guess", as it is more accurately known) that apparently conflicts with the teachings of the Bible, clearly these egg-head mad professors have made yet another idiotic mistake, possibly under demonic influence. How do we know they are mistaken? See "1 Inerrancy".

Conversely, when science agrees with the Bible we should applaud the brave, Bible-believing investigators for supporting the Holy Word and showing the glory of Creation. But usually they are wrong.

Never forget, the atheists are quick to use the findings of science as "evidence" in their arguments, but this is because materialism and science are their god and religion. They want the men in white coats to save them from the God they know will judge them.

There are many things which science cannot explain. However, you can explain these things instantly and simply by saying "God did it". Perhaps the atheist will say "Well, we don't yet know how the Big Bang happened, and maybe never will, but we're working on it". Easy solution - God did it. Problem solved. However, some atheists are stubborn in their evil ways and you may have to repeat this scientific explanation to them many times before they accept it. Of course, when scientists eventually do come up with an answers for such problems, be prepared to patiently explain to them that this is what your religion taught all along, if interpreted correctly.

3) Debating techniques

Here we delve into the murky world of online debating with heathens. You can witness to lost souls in USENET newsgroups (such as alt.atheism and talk.origins), or in message fora on their websites.

Self contradiction

In a heated argument, you will often find yourself losing track of your previous posts, and the atheist will often accuse you of contradicting comments you made earlier. As your words are Bible-based, it stands to reason that they should therefore be correct at all times. Refer to "1 Inerrancy". Alternatively, remember that, as slaves of The Evil One, atheists will do their best to twist your words and attempt to confuse you. If this appears to be happening, ignore their comments and pray for strength.

Logic and reason

These are the playthings of the unbeliever, and you should have no truck with them. Faith in the Lord is all you need. The atheist will try to imply that God should be bound by the rules of logic, but God invented logic and so cannot be constrained by it! The more illogical and unreasoning you are, the harder it becomes for atheists to refute your statements. They will scream "But that doesn't make sense! It is logically impossible!" - be that as it may, your faith will tell you that you are correct. With God, all things are possible - including impossible things. What more do you need?

The burden of proof is on the skeptic

"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" you will be told. But just who is making the extraordinary claim here? You, who simply observe the Creator's hand in all things, or the infidel who against all logic and reason denies the very same. Clearly, it is incumbent on the unbelievers to support their ludicrous assertions that there is no God. Ask them if they can prove God does not exist. Ask how they can be so arrogant to make this claim, when they have not searched the entire universe for God. They will come back and ask you to disprove the existence of Zeus, Vishnu and unicorns, but you should dismiss such childish nonsense - there is no comparison between the fairy-tale gods of other religions and the Truth of Christianity, Their inability to disprove God is evidence enough that He is real. If they cannot overturn your theory, they are clearly being unreasonable by refusing to accept it.

Repeating yourself

After spending a few days debating with a group of atheists, you should leave them alone for a week or so. This will give them time to come to terms with the truths you have revealed. Also, it will provide time for new people to join the discussion. This allows you to return to the forum once more and repeat your statements, unchanged, for the benefit of newcomers. We recommend storing your longer arguments in a text file, so it can be easily cut-and-pasted into the forum. If the forum regulars object, explain that, having already corrected their misconceptions, you are now simply trying to reach the new members and those who still unreasonably reject the truth. If they are civilised people, they will respect this and stand aside. Repeat this technique until you are banned from the board or placed in everybody's killfile.

Huge posts

To take the wind out of your opponent's sails, reply to the smallest query with pages and pages of text. Ideally, you should spend a couple of hours writing this yourself, but if you don't have the time cut-and-paste relevant (or, if possible, irrelevant) information from other Christian websites or resources. Try to spend at least ten kilobytes explaining why they should pray more, why they should fear Hell, how Christ died for their sins, why prominent Christian philosophers and scientists disagree with them, how long-dead Christians have already proven them wrong, and so on. Ask as many obscure questions as possible. If they are truly sincere (which, being atheists, is impossible) they will answer all of your points. If they fail to answer all of your points and questions, victory is yours. Make a note of this humiliating defeat and remember to bring it up often when dealing with this particular individual. (This is also a handy technique to use during a live debate with evolutionists. )

A variant on this theme is to post numerous verses from the Bible to support your argument. Why bother with a hundred words of explanation, when a single verse will do it all for you. Simply post the verse that refutes the atheist, and then maybe two or three more referring to hellfire. As the verses are known to be true, little more need be said on the matter. If the atheist predictably comes back with a counter argument, post the same verses again but suggest that he actually read them this time.

Grammar and spelling

- Are not important, as long as the Spirit guides you. If you are criticised for being unable to form a sentence in English, or using words like "athiset", "Noahs arc", "evolotin" and "revilatian" - worry not. It is not the trivia of punctuation and spelling which is important, but getting the message of God across.

Consider this excellent example. To the untrained eye, the writer may appear to be an illiterate, ignorant dolt, but just feel the love in his words:
"i was wonder if you yourself knew that darwin disowned his theroy in his last days knowing that fossils show species suddenly appering not sight mutations made over long periods of time. the fact is eveolution is total improvible."
Only the coldest of hearts could not be moved by such testimony. This is the sort of level of incoherent drooling you should be aiming for.

You should combine a flimsy grasp of the English language with your own distinctive writing style. The following are quite fashionable at the moment:

  • writing everything in lower case without any punctuation at all this can be quite difficult to read but is very easy to type which is a bonus dont you think
  • ALTERNATIVELY, WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THIS MAKES YOUR IMPORTANT MESSAGE STAND OUT AND PEOPLE WILL TAKE NOTICE OF IT AND REALISE THAT YOU REALLY MEAN IT.
  • short, disjointed.....sentences separated by long......strings of dots.....this makes you look quite.....thoughtful as if you are......pausing every now and......then.
  • Overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can emphasise the point you are trying to make!!!!!!!!!!!! Question marks also work well, don't they???????????????????????????
  • Show ur mastery of the Internet by using words like "u" instead of "you", "2" instead of "to" and "too", "ur" instead of "your" and "you're", and u 2 can spread the gospel 2 other kewl d00dz.

If English is not your first language, all the better. The way you present your argument says a lot about you, so pick wisely.

Knowledge of the subject

Whether you are talking about evolution, the origins of the universe, basic human anatomy, or the structure of the solar system, there is no need to concern yourself with learning anything at all about the issue. See "1 Inerrancy". By definition, those who disagree with you are wrong, deluded and possibly perverts, so it is a bad idea to pollute your mind with their religious beliefs. All the evidence in the world is no match for a single grain of the True Faith.

If they say "But evolution doesn't work like that! You are completely clueless!" remind them that evolution doesn't actually work at all. Has a cow ever given birth to a dog? Do we see hydrogen turning into people around us? If we "evolved" from chimps, why are there still chimps? Why do we not see amoebae sprouting legs and talking? These harsh insights will cut through their dogma like a hot knife through butter.

If discussing evolution, try asking for a complete list of transitional fossils from ape to human. They may provide you with a few dozen examples, but it is hardly complete, is it? How can you be expected to accept such shoddy evidence? Go on to inform them that those are not transitional fossils anyway, as there are no transitionals. Clearly God created all species individually, otherwise they would have no trouble finding the evidence. The gaps in the fossil record are therefore solid evidence for creationism.

If they refer you to papers or websites showing that the universe is billions of years old, refer them in turn to Genesis. Explain how carbon dating methods have been shown to be hopelessly flawed. For instance, when the Turin Shroud was dated, the so-called experts put it around the 14th Century, instead of 33AD. This obviously calls into question all the other radiometric dating guesses they will throw around.

Definitions of words

Words can often mean several different things. For example, the word "set" has dozens of meanings : a set of things; a badger lives in a set; a jelly will set; you can set something down on a table; you can set up a meeting; and so on. Words mean what you need them to mean at any particular time. This is a common reason why you will find atheists misunderstanding things - they think you mean one thing, when actually you were talking about something else. It's hardly your fault if they are unable to keep up, is it? For example, Genesis speaks of a mist rising from the ground to water the Earth. This can mean : mist, rain, dew, fog, clouds, water vapour, condensation, snow, hail, sleet or any other conceivable form of precipitation. Let the Spirit guide you in this matter, and if the atheist claims you are mistaken or contradicting yourself, let the Spirit guide you once more to the true definition of the word. This may happen many times, as you can easily misinterpret the Spirit's guidance

4) Mental gymnastics

Lying for Jesus

Being economical with the truth, making up data on the spot and ignoring conflicting evidence are all handy weapons in your arsenal. The important thing is to convince the opponent of the veracity of your claims. Just how you go about this is unimportant. Feel free to refer to other fundamentalist works, whether or not they have been supposedly "discredited", "refuted" or "demonstrated to be false" - the ICR website and publications, Jack Chick tracts, Dr.Dino's website and videos, Answers In Genesis, things you remember hearing from other fundies or as a child in Sunday School, and so on. When comparing the works of God-fearing, Bible-believing Christians against deviant secular humanist scientists, who are you going to believe?

Remember, you are here to save their immortal soul from the burning fires of Hell, not educate them in stuff they don't really need to know anyway. If you have a dubious argument based on fictional data, but it works, then there is no problem. The vital matter is bringing souls to Jesus and how you go about that is immaterial. The ends justify the means, and in this case the "ends" are souls being saved. Such a noble and worthy goal itself justifies any means you see fit to use. Physical force is generally frowned upon, although there are clear historical precedents for this. Use your own judgement.

Don't forget, the Lord is watching at all times, and will certainly forgive you as long as you are spreading His good news. So go to it!

Compartmentalisation

In this world, what you know to be true often conflicts with the reality around you. To be a soldier for Christ it will help enormously if you can master the technique of mental compartmentalisation. This means you must be able to keep your scriptural knowledge away from the secular knowledge that allows you to function in wordly matters, e.g. at your place of work. For example, even though science is clearly mistaken about the processes involved in radioactive decay (see the "carbon dating" example above), if you worked at a nuclear power plant it would be necessary to assume the opposite was true - otherwise it would be impossible to build nuclear reactors. Likewise, a good fundy astronomer knows that the correct date of the universe is about 10,000 years at most, but must be able to examine galaxies millions of light-years away and explain them according to the secular model of cosmology. Being able to hold two (or more) sets of mutually exclusive thoughts at once is extremely beneficial to the up-and-coming fundy on the internet.

Remember, something might be "true" while you're at work or sitting an exam, but it's still completely wrong, and you should switch back to the "Christian Compartment" in your brain whenever possible.

Wilful ignorance

Ignorance is bliss, and what is more blissful than reading the Word Of God? You will often find yourself accused of this "crime", but why should you waste time trying to learn how the unbelievers lie to themselves? You don't need to read a book on evolution to know that it is wrong. You don't need to read a book about the so-called Big Bang to know that it is a delusion.

It is the atheists who are wildly ignorant for not reading the Bible! Sure, many of them say they have read it, but this is clearly a lie - if they've read it, how come they don't believe it?

Don't waste your precious time trying to get to grips with their overly-complicated theories, when you have a much simpler theory that you already know is true.

 

Conclusion

There you have it - Fundy Think For Beginners.

All you need to do now is decide how to sign off your devastating arguments. There is classic arrogant abuse, such as "Ha ha ha what an idiot! God made it all! Get an education."; or patronising the opponent - "I'll pray that God opens your closed mind and eyes"; a selection of obscure Bible verses, maybe; and finally, the ever popular subtle threats of hellfire - "Well, I've told you the Truth, I only hope you like it HOT after you die".

Don't forget what you've learned : return a week later and post exactly the same assertions that you started with.


© Adrian Barnett 2001

 

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