by Mark Smith
The primary concern of any Christian geek is NOT to discover any new truths, but to defend what he already is convinced IS the truth and ALL the truth, which truth just happens to lay between the leather covers of his Bible. One of their primary ways of defending their garbage is to tie the data up into a mess of a knot that no human being would ever be able to figure out how they tied it in the first place.
But just like Alexander had little problem slicing thru the Gordian knot that confronted him, so also I. I don't play by their rules, and I don't try to untangle their mess of "logic". All I do is cut to the foundational issues, expose their bullshit, and send them running.
So next time you're scared because the knot the xtians have presented you looks too intimidating, just hand them over to me.
Many Christian intellectual geeks seek to use big words and philosophical gobbledygook,
not to clarify an issue, but rather to muck it up. For if many of their issues were clarified,
the commoners (i.e. you and I) would see in an instant that their emperor has no clothes on.
And so they live and theologize by the motto:
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance,
baffle them with your bullshit.
In light of such theological bullshit artists, I'd like to present the following aria from
Gilbert & Sullivan's opera
from the year 1881
If you're anxious for to shine
in the high aesthetic line
as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs
of the transcendental terms
and plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies
and discourse in novel phrases
of your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter
if it's only idle chatter
of a transcendental kind.
And ev'ry one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If this young man expresses himself
in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man
this deep young man must be !"
Be eloquent in praise
of the very dull old days
which have long since passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can,
that the reign of good Queen Anne
was Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new,
and declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short
in the cultivated court
of the Empress Josephine.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him
which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth
this kind of youth must be !"
Then a sentimental passion
of a vegetable fashion
must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato,
or a not-too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle,
you will rank as an apostle
in the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly
with a poppy or a lily
in your` medieval hand.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your flow'ry way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love
which would certainly not suit me,
Why, what a most particularly pure young man
this pure young man must be !"
by Mark Smith
Regardless of the amount of wishful thinking expended by geeks both religious and atheistic, humans never were and never will be computers with legs attached. We are hairless apes, with a biological brain sloshing around in a sea of chemicals between our ears. Emotions are part and parcel of our thinking process, and any man who doubts this has never lived with a woman for more than three weeks.
A newspaper article (Los Angeles Times, 11/8/02, p. A23) reported on some findings from the annual convention of neuroscientists in Orlando, Florida. Among the more interesting findings are the following quotes:
Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame was a fictional character, to all but the most fanatical Trekkies. This recent research should help all of us realize that even more so. We are emotional animals, and we don't have a little "emotion chip" ala Mr. Data from the newer Star Trek's that we can uninstall whenever it's convenient. Emotions cloud our judgments, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. You can memorize all the books on logic you want and pile up the PhD's on the wall- but when you hit your thumb with the hammer, it's not logic that's going to come spewing out of your mouth. The decisions you make today while suffering a splitting migraine headache may not be the same you'd make a year from now under better circumstances.
Also, social morality appears more and more to be built into us biologically. It was not dropped out of the sky into Christian laps, to be dispensed by them. This built-in moral code operates within us Atheists as well as the Christians; so much for the constant Christian slander to the contrary that we Atheists are immoral barbarians drinking human blood and pillaging.
SIGNS YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN FUNDY
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of other
gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone
denies the existence of your god.
(Memorize Assert Mock Assure)
by Robert Brian Hitchcock
Four Rules for Aspiring Christian Apologists
I) Memorize: Memorize all of the "Logical Fallacies". Doing so will enable you to sound perfectly reasonable when you cite this or that fallacy in response to arguments raised by your opponents- arguments you really do not want to answer. By claiming that his arguments are either "improper" or "illogical" in nature you maintain the appearance of possessing the intellectual higher ground.
II) Assert: Assert that Biblegod is both all-powerful and all-reasonable. If your opponent refuses to concede the basic reasonableness of this "truth claim", it demonstrates he possesses poor critical thinking skills. After all, what truly logical person would knowingly reject such a well-thought out argument advanced by a rational representative of an all powerful, all reasonable being?
III) Mock: Mock everything about your opponent- especially his world view. Remember: you posses The Truth and your opponent is in denial of the ontological reality of The Truth. (Romans 1:18-21)
IV) Assure: Assure your opponent that (in spite of the above three rules) you really respect his intellectual integrity. By deconstructing his worldview you are only attempting to help him "perceive" reality a little more clearly. Tell him that this is the greatest gift a rational and logical being can bequeath to humanity; namely a reliable epistemology through which a consistent ontology can be formulated.
Mama apologizes for committing the logical fallacy of "appealing to authority" in citing Romans 1:18-21. She realizes that most of her readers know that the final authority in spiritual matters is Reason, Logic and Argumentation. Unfortunately the vast majority of our weaker brethren still subscribe to the false ideas of it being the Bible, Tradition, and/or the teaching magisterium. They somehow still believe that these are the final court of appeal for ascertaining spiritual truth claims. Ironically these brethren forget that they all use logical formulations and arguments to back up their claims of having the superior "final authority".
See Also: http://www.askwhy.co.uk/truth/000Apologetics.html
by Robert Brian Hitchcock
YAPPERS: A acronistic definition of Christian apologists at the embryonic stage.
by Robert Brian Hitchcock
Minister’s Guide to Flock Maintenance
The purpose of this
paper is to help men of the cloth to maintain both their sanity and their job as
they deal with the species known as the "Peculiar People" Christians
or "pew-taters" as they are sometimes not so affectionately called,
have a tendency to alienate themselves from both the non-Christians and those
assigned to shepherd their immortal souls. Therefore, it is hoped that any man
aspiring to become a minister will read this paper and implement the advice it
contains. In the end, a happy preacher is a sane preacher and less likely to
commit acts of sheer idiocy like the late David Koresh and/or Jim Jones.
There are exactly
two types of Christians. This is a fairly broad categorization but nonetheless a
true one. Christians tend to fall into one category or the other. The first
category is the easiest for the minister to handle. We call this group the
NORMS. This is an acronym for
The Norms are a
simple yet faithful part of the local church. They supply the labor pool,
the gene pool, and of course the all important fountain of wealth for the
minister. It’s simple math really, under no circumstances is it advised for
the minister to alienate the affections of this group. Remember: No Norms = No
JOB and/or ego boosts for the preacher.
Of course it
doesn't hurt to throw an occasional scare into the Norms. Invoke the two
evangelical wolves of Secular Humanism and/or New-Ager just to keep the sheep on
their hooves. Never let them know that the evil humanists are dying off and you
cannot get two New-Agers to agree on anything, much less plot throwing 21st
century Christians to the lions. Above all, bear constantly in mind that your
goal is two-fold:
1. Comfort the Afflicted
2. Afflict the Comfortable
The second type of
Christians is at best a mixed blessing for the man of god. We call this group
than 10% of the total church population, the Geeks are the lightening rods of
ecclesiastical history. The best that can be said of them is that they are a
potential source of intellectual companionship for the pastor with an above
average I.Q.. Even the intelligent preacher needs cerebral stimulation after a
long week of feeding the Norms their weakly gruel from the Word and dealing with
pesky Elders in Board meetings.
the cerebral kind is not enough for the minister. He has to constantly reinforce
his spiritual authority over the Flock. American Norms still suffer from the
delusion that their personal relationship with Jesus translates into God's
theocratic kingdom becoming a democracy. Either their Bible and/or the teaching
authority of the Church must be reinforced in the Norm’s mind as the final
court of spiritual appeal.
Geeks, however, are not satisfied with the clergy’s
insistence that “to obey is better than sacrifice” is to be the attitude of
all the laity. It is not enough to assert a particular doctrine or practice is
true because the church / Bible says so. For the Geeks, it is impossible to be
satisfied with the status quo, they possess the annoying habit of probing into
the “why’s” and “wherefores” of all things theological.
A wise pragmatic minister will recognize this Geek
compulsion and seek to channel it into safer, more peaceful channels. Let the
Geeks pretend they are philosophers who utilize Logic and Reason in order to
ascertain the validity of any proposition. It will keep them busy and out of the
hair of both the Norms and the clergy.
A little church history will clarify this point. Most of
the creeds, doctrines, and church splits which have occurred are the work of the
Geeks of days long past. Luther, Arius, Athanasius, Calvin, the Campbells, and
the late but no-so-great Walter R. Martin were all theological geeks whose
“novel” ideas still haunt the 21st century church. Athanasius in
particular bequeathed the Nicean Creed unto us. Ironically his “legacy” is
believed by countless millions of Norms to be the essence of Real Christianity.
Failure to believe in this document’s statements regarding the trinity will
keep one from entering heaven, or so our “orthodox” Norms have been told.
Truly, Nicea is the ultimate doctrinal “revenge of the Nerds”.
So, unless a pastor desires to be the lightening rod of the
next “reformation” or schism in the church, he will keep the Geeks at arms
length. Besides, it is a well-known fact that Geeks are the worst tithers and
rarely show up when physical labor is involved I the upkeep of the local church
building. They follow the dictum of Erasmus:
It is best to leave the Geeks to their theological texts.
On these rare occasions when it is necessary to employ the Geek’s metaphysical
prowess do so by sicking them on the Humanists and other bogeymen that threaten
the peace of the Norms. Ever so often a smart unbeliever will raise an argument
against the “Faith” and unsettle the Norm’s trust in the Church’s claims
to be the “Way, Truth, and Life.”
This is the only case when it is safe to turn the Geek
attack dogs loose. They will formulate a new apologetic or defense of the faith,
allowing the Norms to feel intellectually vindicated and peace returns to the
pastures of Zion. Also, this allows the Geeks to feel useful and think they are
a valued part of the Christian community, accepted by both the Norms and clergy.
Moral of This Story
A wise Pastor will keep the Geeks at bay and the Norms mowing the hay.