The Chihuahua     Patron Saint of Christian Geeks

...Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap...
The Chihuahua
Patron Saint of Christian Geeks

by Mark Smith

I'd like to nominate, as the Patron Saint of all Christian geek intellectuals, the Chihuahua. These are my reasons:

  • The Chihuahua is an ankle bitter, as by his nature he can't reach any higher issues, much less reach the heart of an issue.

  • He's irritating as hell- lots of noise, not much substance.

  • He seems to think he's bigger and more important than he really is.

  • He's mean and obnoxious to all outside his own family or group.


The Gordian Knot- Favorite Rope Trick of Christian Fundies

by Mark Smith

The primary concern of any Christian geek is NOT to discover any new truths, but to defend what he already is convinced IS the truth and ALL the truth, which truth just happens to lay between the leather covers of his Bible. One of their primary ways of defending their garbage is to tie the data up into a mess of a knot that no human being would ever be able to figure out how they tied it in the first place. 

 But just like Alexander had little problem slicing thru the Gordian knot that confronted him, so also I. I don't play by their rules, and I don't try to untangle their mess of "logic". All I do is cut to the foundational issues, expose their bullshit, and send them running.

So next time you're scared because the knot the xtians have presented you looks too intimidating, just hand them over to me.






Geek Speak 101

 Many Christian intellectual geeks seek to use big words and philosophical gobbledygook, 
not to clarify an issue, but rather to muck it up. For if many of their issues were clarified, 
the commoners (i.e. you and I) would see in an instant that their emperor has no clothes on.
And so they live and theologize by the motto: 
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, 
baffle them with your bullshit.
In light of such theological bullshit artists, I'd like to present the following aria from 
Gilbert & Sullivan's opera 
from the year 1881
If you're anxious for to shine
 in the high aesthetic line
 as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs
 of the transcendental terms
and plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies 
and discourse in novel phrases 
of your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter 
if it's only idle chatter 
of a transcendental kind.
               And ev'ry one will say,
               As you walk your mystic way,
"If this young man expresses himself 
in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man
 this deep young man must be !"
Be eloquent in praise 
of the very dull old days 
which have long since passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, 
that the reign of good Queen Anne
     was Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, 
and declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short 
in the cultivated court 
of the Empress Josephine.
               And ev'ryone will say,
               As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him 
which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth 
this kind of youth must be !"
Then a sentimental passion 
of a vegetable fashion 
must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato
 for a bashful young potato, 
or a not-too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle, 
you will rank as an apostle 
in the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly 
with a poppy or a lily 
in your` medieval hand.
               And ev'ryone will say,
               As you walk your flow'ry way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love 
which would certainly not suit me, 
Why, what a most particularly pure young man 
this pure young man must be !"

Spock Is Not Real

by Mark Smith

Regardless of the amount of wishful thinking expended by geeks both religious and atheistic, humans never were and never will be computers with legs attached. We are hairless apes, with a biological brain sloshing around in a sea of chemicals between our ears. Emotions are part and parcel of our thinking process, and any man who doubts this has never lived with a woman for more than three weeks.

A newspaper article (Los Angeles Times, 11/8/02, p. A23) reported on some findings from the annual convention of neuroscientists in Orlando, Florida. Among the more interesting findings are the following quotes:

  • The primal mood circuits of the brain can color manners, cooperation and judgment.
  • Even mild emotions can influence mental abilities. Emotions can trigger errors in judgment.
  • Emotions are hard-wired in the brain and are present very early.
  • Neural circuits were discovered that relate to shame and thus help regulate social behavior.
  • Brain circuits were discovered that are attuned to unfairness, which may underlie human's feelings of indignation.
  • Brain synapses that specialize in social cooperation were discovered, thus explaining why working together oft times makes people feel good about themselves.

Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame was a fictional character, to all but the most fanatical Trekkies.  This recent research should help all of us realize that even more so. We are emotional animals, and we don't have a little "emotion chip" ala Mr. Data from the newer Star Trek's that we can uninstall whenever it's convenient. Emotions cloud our judgments, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. You can memorize all the books on logic you want and pile up the PhD's on the wall- but when you hit your thumb with the hammer, it's not logic that's going to come spewing out of your mouth. The decisions you make today while suffering a splitting migraine headache may not be the same you'd make a year from now under better circumstances. 

Also, social morality appears more and more to be built into us biologically. It was not dropped out of the sky into Christian laps, to be dispensed by them. This built-in moral code operates within us Atheists as well as the Christians; so much for the constant Christian slander to the contrary that we Atheists are immoral barbarians drinking human blood and pillaging. 



Christians Love Their Bullshit- Saint Gregory


"A little jargon is all that is necessary to impose on the people. The less they comprehend, the more they admire."
C. F. Volney, The Ruins (Boston, 1872) p. 177)


Saint Gregory of Nazianzen
Bishop of Constantinople 381 - 390

"One of the foremost orators that have ever adorned the Christian church"




(Author Unknown)

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of other gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lower life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in three gods- the trinity.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" --including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that some spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a couple of generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs --though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.



MAMA Bovina Scathos

(Memorize Assert Mock Assure)

by Robert Brian Hitchcock

Four Rules for Aspiring Christian Apologists

I)     Memorize: Memorize all of the "Logical Fallacies". Doing so will enable you to sound perfectly reasonable when you cite this or that fallacy in response to arguments raised by your opponents- arguments you really do not want to answer. By claiming that his arguments are either "improper" or "illogical" in nature you maintain the appearance of possessing the intellectual higher ground.

II)     Assert:  Assert that Biblegod is both all-powerful and all-reasonable. If your opponent refuses to concede the basic reasonableness of this "truth claim", it demonstrates he possesses poor critical  thinking skills. After all, what truly logical person would knowingly reject such a well-thought out argument advanced by a rational representative of an all powerful, all reasonable being?

III)    Mock: Mock everything about your opponent- especially his world view. Remember: you posses The Truth and your opponent is in denial of the ontological reality of  The Truth. (Romans 1:18-21)

IV)    Assure: Assure your opponent that (in spite of the above three rules) you really respect his intellectual integrity. By deconstructing his worldview you are only attempting to help him "perceive" reality a little more clearly. Tell him that this is the greatest gift a rational and logical being can bequeath to humanity; namely a reliable epistemology through which a consistent ontology can be formulated.


Mama apologizes for committing the logical fallacy of "appealing to authority" in citing Romans 1:18-21. She realizes that most of her readers know that the final authority in spiritual matters is Reason, Logic and Argumentation. Unfortunately the vast majority of our weaker brethren still subscribe to the false ideas of it being the Bible, Tradition, and/or the teaching magisterium. They somehow still believe that these are the final court of appeal for ascertaining spiritual truth claims. Ironically these brethren forget that they all use logical formulations and arguments to back up their claims of having the superior "final authority".

See Also: 
    This site documents the verbal tricks that Christians use to defend their nonsense.




by Robert Brian Hitchcock


YAPPERS: A acronistic definition of Christian apologists at the embryonic stage.





Slicing and Dicing Pew-Taters

by  Robert Brian Hitchcock

A Minister’s Guide to Flock Maintenance

The purpose of this paper is to help men of the cloth to maintain both their sanity and their job as they deal with the species known as the "Peculiar People" Christians or "pew-taters" as they are sometimes not so affectionately called, have a tendency to alienate themselves from both the non-Christians and those assigned to shepherd their immortal souls. Therefore, it is hoped that any man aspiring to become a minister will read this paper and implement the advice it contains. In the end, a happy preacher is a sane preacher and less likely to commit acts of sheer idiocy like the late David Koresh and/or Jim Jones.

There are exactly two types of Christians. This is a fairly broad categorization but nonetheless a true one. Christians tend to fall into one category or the other. The first category is the easiest for the minister to handle. We call this group the NORMS. This is an acronym for





Status Quo

The Norms are a simple yet faithful part of the local church.  They supply the labor pool, the gene pool, and of course the all important fountain of wealth for the minister. It’s simple math really, under no circumstances is it advised for the minister to alienate the affections of this group. Remember: No Norms = No JOB and/or ego boosts for the preacher. So unless you desire to ape Paul and take up tent making as a profession, keep this part of the flock fat, lazy, and busy!

Of course it doesn't hurt to throw an occasional scare into the Norms. Invoke the two evangelical wolves of Secular Humanism and/or New-Ager just to keep the sheep on their hooves. Never let them know that the evil humanists are dying off and you cannot get two New-Agers to agree on anything, much less plot throwing 21st century Christians to the lions. Above all, bear constantly in mind that your goal is two-fold:

1. Comfort the Afflicted

2. Afflict the Comfortable

The second type of Christians is at best a mixed blessing for the man of god. We call this group the GEEKS:


Endeavoring to



Status Quoers

Comprising less than 10% of the total church population, the Geeks are the lightening rods of ecclesiastical history. The best that can be said of them is that they are a potential source of intellectual companionship for the pastor with an above average I.Q.. Even the intelligent preacher needs cerebral stimulation after a long week of feeding the Norms their weakly gruel from the Word and dealing with pesky Elders in Board meetings.

Companionship of the cerebral kind is not enough for the minister. He has to constantly reinforce his spiritual authority over the Flock. American Norms still suffer from the delusion that their personal relationship with Jesus translates into God's theocratic kingdom becoming a democracy. Either their Bible and/or the teaching authority of the Church must be reinforced in the Norm’s mind as the final court of spiritual appeal.

Geeks, however, are not satisfied with the clergy’s insistence that “to obey is better than sacrifice” is to be the attitude of all the laity. It is not enough to assert a particular doctrine or practice is true because the church / Bible says so. For the Geeks, it is impossible to be satisfied with the status quo, they possess the annoying habit of probing into the “why’s” and “wherefores” of all things theological.

A wise pragmatic minister will recognize this Geek compulsion and seek to channel it into safer, more peaceful channels. Let the Geeks pretend they are philosophers who utilize Logic and Reason in order to ascertain the validity of any proposition. It will keep them busy and out of the hair of both the Norms and the clergy.

A little church history will clarify this point. Most of the creeds, doctrines, and church splits which have occurred are the work of the Geeks of days long past. Luther, Arius, Athanasius, Calvin, the Campbells, and the late but no-so-great Walter R. Martin were all theological geeks whose “novel” ideas still haunt the 21st century church. Athanasius in particular bequeathed the Nicean Creed unto us. Ironically his “legacy” is believed by countless millions of Norms to be the essence of Real Christianity. Failure to believe in this document’s statements regarding the trinity will keep one from entering heaven, or so our “orthodox” Norms have been told. Truly, Nicea is the ultimate doctrinal “revenge of the Nerds”.

So, unless a pastor desires to be the lightening rod of the next “reformation” or schism in the church, he will keep the Geeks at arms length. Besides, it is a well-known fact that Geeks are the worst tithers and rarely show up when physical labor is involved I the upkeep of the local church building. They follow the dictum of Erasmus:

When I get a little money, I buy books. Whatever is left over will go to food and clothing.

It is best to leave the Geeks to their theological texts. On these rare occasions when it is necessary to employ the Geek’s metaphysical prowess do so by sicking them on the Humanists and other bogeymen that threaten the peace of the Norms. Ever so often a smart unbeliever will raise an argument against the “Faith” and unsettle the Norm’s trust in the Church’s claims to be the “Way, Truth, and Life.”

This is the only case when it is safe to turn the Geek attack dogs loose. They will formulate a new apologetic or defense of the faith, allowing the Norms to feel intellectually vindicated and peace returns to the pastures of Zion. Also, this allows the Geeks to feel useful and think they are a valued part of the Christian community, accepted by both the Norms and clergy.

Moral of This Story

A wise Pastor will keep the Geeks at bay and the Norms mowing the hay.